Newsletter No 5 22/4/04

Another week rolls around. More cunning, lying cyclists to unmask and expose. The life of a roving cycling journalist is such a tough and thankless task. I am sure all you readers sympathise with me about as much as I sympathise with you.

So, on we go.

Reports from the War Zone

This little piece of news was received from an anonymous source (thanks Paul)

Sonnie Witana:
Sonnie was operated on yesterday(Friday 16 April) ,and reports to date suggest that the Op was a success. He is recovering in room 10 of Southern Cross Hospital in Von Tempsky Street, Hamilton East. All visitors are welcome.

PS: Sonnie Witana Gossip. "Believe it or Not"

Rumour has it that Sonnie is really undergoing an "Extreme-Extreme Make Over". It is expected that this process will take approx. the rest of his life to complete, but because of financial constraints Sonnie has ordered surgeons to complete all work inside 3 months.

Doctors:"Impossible" & "Can not be Done"
Sonnie: "You did it for Harry (precious) Donker, why not me". "I want to be beautiful too"?
Doctors:"Private Korero". "I think Peter Jackson has yet to sign a monkey for his next movie. Sonnie we think we can help you after all. How'd you like to star in "King Kong".
Sonnie:"I'll do anything to out do Harry"

Your intrepid reporter ventured into the land of the surgeons knife to check out these rumours and uncover the ghastly truth. And what did I find, you ask? Well, as you can see, it was not a pretty sight. I apologise to my more sensitive readers (Roger, Jack, Trevor - a therapist is on call at the 'I Don't give a Toss' clinic). But as you can see the operation was a complete failure.

Sonnie's distraught wife Juliet, told me, in complete confidence, that the surgeon got confused about whether he was operating on his face or his arse, as they were so similar. But sadly he could do nothing for him. Sonnie told me tonight, between sobs, that he'll be back on his bike in a month or so. You will be able to recognise him, he'll be the one wearing a paper bag over his head.

Kerry Evans and I went out for a ride last Saturday with our other recovering invalid Roger Leaf. It was a beautiful day and Kerry and I started off by being particularly considerate to Roger as he was recovering from a serious op. As those of you who know me, that considerate side is one of my weaknesses and that day I suffered for it. Roger in true Dulux Tour winners fashion proceeded to tear Kerry and I apart. As we started a slow, considerate climb up Rotokauri Road we were startled to hear an evil cackle behind us. As we glanced behind we caught a glimpse of Roger's taut muscular frame tearing past us up the hill, smoke pouring from his rear tyre as it struggled to cope with the awesome power unleashed by his legs. For the next 30-40 kms Kerry and I were putty in the evil Roger's hands as he dealt to us.

Oh, it was a sad and pitiful sight as Kerry and I begged Roger for mercy. All we received in return was an evil laugh and a twisted smile. Eventually, when he had done his worse, Roger spat us out and cruised home in triumph. Kerry and I, now reduced to two sad empty husks eventually crawled home hours later - shattered.

Readers, be warned the evil Roger is about. He is training every day and one day he will return to exact his revenge on you all. In order to protect you innocent riders we have started a Roger Leaf hotline, so riders can log Roger's secret training rides. If you spot Roger out training be sure to enter a notice into the brag page (www.hamiltoncitycycling.com) with the date, time and location of your sighting so we can all be warned.

Soft Git Award

This award goes to the cyclist deemed to be displaying uncycling-like behaviour of compassion and sensitivity to other riders. This week the award goes to one Cliff Whittaker. On the Sunday ride with the 8.15 bunch we climbed to the saddle of the Ngutinui climb. As we reached the top a rider stopped to take a leak and the bunch stopped by the turnoff to the climb to the Ngutinui school to wait. At this time Cliff Whittaker was heard calling out to the group asking who wanted to climb the Ngutinui hill!! Yes dear reader, I know you are shocked. I could not believe my ears either. but it was true - a cyclist was ASKING if the group wanted to climb a hill. You never ask!! A hill is a chance to inflict pain and suffering on others - does a torturer politely ask his (or her) victim whether he (or she) can plunge a hot poker into his (or her) vulnerable nether regions? NOT ON YOUR NELLY!!!

Even more astonishing this was from Cliff Whittaker the hard man. Ex-Rugby prop, current council worker. Motorists look the other way when they drive past Cliff in case they offend him and end up in a headlock (or worse) on the side of the road. Cliff is a hard man's hard man. What is happening here? Is this global warming, frying the brains of ex-props? OR, is it the ears? Are Cliff's ears (like Murray Russell's) acting like giant antennas receiving signals from outer space and confusing him with new agey warm and fuzzy messages?

Seen on the Sunday Ride

Well knock me over with a feather. Who did I see moseying out from a side road when we started our ride last Sunday, but a sight from the past. Resplendent in a vintage era green (with a white stripe) woolen cycling shirt and with a bum the size of a barn door, was the legendary David Chandler.

Dave Chandler is the self proclaimed, 'last of the honest Christian cyclists in the Waikato'. Dave had a number of admirable traits. His most noticeable trait was his complete inability to tell the truth. At the start of any ride or race (well in fact, you never rode with Dave, it was always a race), if you asked Dave how he felt the answer was always something like - "I feel terrible, my legs are weak, I can't get my breath"....and so on. He would then proceed to rip your legs off. Dave never attacked - he always counter-attacked (usually the so-called counter attack happened weeks after the original alleged event). I have many stories about Dave and I will be quite happy to bring them out from time to time. Dave in fact, got on very well with Roger Leaf. I am sure you are all very sympathetic to my plight when I rode with both of these lunatics. It was difficult for someone, as kind and caring as me to avoid being mercilessly exploited by these two rogues.

Racing News

We did well at the WBOP half distance champs in the weekend. Ross Simmons won the Mens section (his report is on the website www.hamiltoncitycycling.com, thanks for that Ross.) Scott Ardern won Vet 1 and Harry (Glooum) Donker took another gold in his section. Harry told me he thought he needed another gold to balance out his medal count. Apparently Bob Puru had an unfortunate accident when another rider (Richard Mellsop from TA) smacked into his back wheel and smashed about five spokes, and put Bob out of the race. I heard that although Bob stayed upright, Richard came a gutser. So I am sure you will join with me in sending our best wishes to both riders.