Newsletter No 6 29/4/04

Hello there campers, I'm back!!

Honestly, some people have no sense of humour. I was shocked to receive two threats of legal action for defamation from Dave Chandler and Roger Leaf!! According to my dictionary, to defame means to "attack the good reputation of". I could only attack the "good reputation" of these two gentlemen (and I use that term in the widest possible context) if they had one! So, I reckon I'm pretty safe .... on the legal front anyway.

I went out on a ride last Saturday with an august bunch of cyclists. What a crew! There was Jack (Off) Swart, Roger Leaf, Trevor Foley, Blyth Andrews, Marguerite Ritchie, Kerry Evans, Justin Kerr and little old me tagging along on the back. We set off at a nice steady pace and things were going well until Blyth decided that it was time for us to participate in a two up time trial around Hiwi and Pukemoremore Rds. Trust a trackie - big legs, small brain! So off we set at 15 second intervals. Roger and I decided that we would treat this with the seriousness that it deserved and worked on a radical new time trialing technique called 'riding side by side chatting'. this obviously unnerved our rivals so much that we actually managed to finish a close second (we would have won it, but we decided to sit up on the last climb, so that we didn't totally demoralise Blyth and Trevor). Justin, Jack, Marguerite and Kerry were DQ'd for getting confused and riding in a foursome!

The Astute Observation Award goes to Blyth (Sherlock) Andrews for the following remark, "Gees Marguerite, you ride like a girl!" Blyth is a cop, trained in observation. As you can see all those years of training have paid off!

But the Clever Comeback Award goes to Marguerite who replied to Sherlock, "I won't once I get my implant!" Nice one Marguerite, that almost caused a crash. Sadly though, Marguerite once again demonstrated why she should always be accompanied by a mechanic on all her rides. After over two hours on the road, Roger noticed that her rear wheel had been put in so crooked it had been rubbing against the frame all along!

One thing we all couldn't help but notice (even Blyth) was the poor state of Jack and Justin's clothing. Worn bike shorts are a terrible sight for those unfortunate enough to be following. Jack and Justin certainly ensured the rest of us suffered as we tried desperately to settle our heaving stomachs at the sight of the 'Cracks of Doom' juddering in front on us.

We had a good turnout for the Sunday ride. The 8am group headed over Quine Rd with the 8.15 bunch meandering through Orini. Somehow we all ended up in Morrinsville about the same time. Some of you may have noticed that Kerry 'Goat Boy' O'Keefe turned up again. He came out with the 8 am bunch and turned off very early. We did notice that he disappeared soon after we passed a couple of goats tethered to the side of the road. Is this a coincidence? I would hope so, for the sake of the goats. Kerry, you are going to have to learn to control yourself. I am sure there is a girl out there for you who has more conversation than 'Maaa'.

After meeting up in Morrinsville most of both groups combined to ride back to Hamilton. John Badger, Garry Gallagher, Kevin Stuart and I decided to go back through Taharoa Rd.

John Badger has gained notoriety recently for managing to crash twice on the Rotorua Flyer. John teaches Science at Fraser and is once of the least technically advanced cyclists I know (he does know how to put a wheel back in a bike and fix a puncture, so he is ahead of Marguerite on that score) with frighteningly little knowledge of recent technical advances like the Internet and email. He claims to have an email account, but can't remember what his address is. Scary stuff for someone teaching science to our young ones. I believe he only recently traded his Penny Farthing in for a geared bicycle. If you see John on the road the correct protocol to greet him with is, "What ho, old chap".

Garry Gallagher is a double C Grade Champion in the HCCC Open! Three more times and he'll have Lance worried. Garry also has the distinction of being the second largest bike collector in the Waikato, having gone through close to thirty bikes in the past ten years! Cannondales, Konas, Avantis, Merlins, Sevens, Merckxs he has had the lot! And that doesn't count the groupsets and wheelsets he had been through. This guy is a serious gearhead!!

However, Garry's fetish pales in comparison with the all time King of Gearheads (drumroll......) I give you KEVIN PAUL STUART!! Kevin's obsession with bikes has him well over the 30 bike mark by now. Kevin has probably supplied a fair proportion of Hamilton with his bikes and groupsets. I've lost count of how many hand me downs Garry has had. I've had two bikes and one groupset. Harry Donker has had at least two, Shane Bullivant is still riding one of Kevin's Merckxs (I think he may have cleaned it once in the past 6-8 years - it got one hell of a fright). Countless other cyclists can thank Kevin for a hand me down.

In about 1998, I brought my third bike, a Litespeed Ultimate titanium. By this time Kevin was onto at least his second titanium bike (and was probably into or close to 20 bikes at that time) and I remember him telling me then that the Merlin he rode was going to be the last bike he got. Approximately five or six Merlins later (and probably ten groupsets later) he is still going. Famous last words!

But, I have to say that it is a shame that Kevin, normally a man of meticulous habits and good taste has chosen to settle for the second best titanium frame in the world! For some reason Kevin has stubbornly stuck with the Merlin despite the clear advantages and good looks of the Litespeed range of titanium frames. Bikes ridden by such astute and, dare I say it, good looking, clever and humble cyclists as Kerry Evans and Michael Hamid (obviously gentlemen of superior taste). I guess that is why Kevin will remain a sad figure forever trying to reach the giddy heights of the Litespeed team riders.

Oh and I should warn you dear readers. Be very suspicious if Kevin ever tells you in the middle of a ride that he knows a shortcut home. Kevin's idea of a shortcut usually involves a 200km plus ride. If you fancy riding 10 plus hours at 20km/hr and you want to see the countryside (and I mean ALL the countryside - every road in the Waikato), then go for a ride with Kevin, but don't say you weren't warned. If you have family at home be prepared for them to have grown up and left home by the time you get home. This will be a good way to find out just how tolerant your spouse or partner is!!

Don't forget the first race of our Winter Series kicks off on Saturday. We've had a reasonable bunch of entries so far. I think it will be a good race.

Oh, I nearly forgot. Our AGM is coming up in June, so start thinking about candidates for the committee. How about having a go as El Presidente, think of the power and prestige!! Or you could serve as the Secretary, what an honour! Who do you think would be a good candidate? We are looking for people of integrity and vision.....rats, we're all cyclists, I guess that rules everyone out. OK, lets try again. How about thinking of cyclists you know in the club, who are only slightly shady and dubious. You know the type, they only lie a little bit. They only stab their friends in the back with a small stiletto. When they sell their mother for a new bike, they get a good price and buy a nice bike.

So, until I see you again keep those wheels rolling.

Michael

PS. To Justin Kerr - loud shirt eh? Guess who's riding scratch minus 10 minutes by himself on Saturday!!!

PPS. If there is anyone I've forgotten to insult let me know, I'll try to do better next time.