Newsletter No 7 7/05/04

Breaking News – Sonnie Witana beaten up by irate Teletubbies

Sonnie Witana was set upon outside his house following a slanderous article besmirching the integrity of Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa Laa and Po. Sonnie’s wife Juliet is currently extracting the third of four antennae that were inserted into Sonnie’s nether regions.

The four Teletubbies are being interviewed by the police, but are expected to be released shortly. We understand the police are setting a date for the Teletubbies to receive a police commendation for Community Service (Pest Eradication Section).

This week’s Sad Git Award goes to Jack (Off) Swart who was shelled out of the scratch bunch in the first of the Winter Series races. The race was held in atrocious conditions and this (and the pace, and possibly a hard night on the turps the previous night) was obviously too much for Jack. It was sad to see such a toughened competitor reduced to tears at his ignominious defeat. Fellow cyclists were quick to show their compassion. Blyth Andrews was heard to remark, “Good job, you old bastard.” While the rest of us stood there laughing at Jack as he lay slumped against the Tennis Club wall, tears streaming down his face.

Who won the race, you ask? Modesty precludes me from making too much of a show, but it was ME!!!! Some hardened and cynical competitors have pointed out that I actually handicapped the race, as if that had anything to do with it. I ask you, do any of you think that I, honest Michael Hamid, would stoop so low as to give myself an unbeatable handicap? I know….it is unthinkable and I join with you in shaking my head and sighing at those who would besmirch my integrity.

We do have some softies out there. We had 22 entries, only 12 turned up and 4 of them chickened out!! I ask you, what is a bit of rain and wind? I trust the people who didn't turn up realise they still owe us the entry fee - we worked the prizes out on the basis of the entries, if you're afraid of a bit of bad weather take Sonnie Witana's advice and "Get Hard"!

Trevor Foley was one of the no shows. I thought guys from Taranaki had more balls than that. I thought Taranaki boys were tough. Taranaki is a miserable place with lots of rain, lots of hills and where it's hard to tell the difference between your cousin, your sister and Nelly the sheep. Our mate Trev, let the side down on Saturday. But don't worry Trevor, I wouldn't try to embarrass you...too much.

Dave Mann gets the Dork of the Week award. On the Sunday ride Dave punctured along the Kaipaki Rd. Shane Neil and I went back to help out. Shane was trying to insert the valve of Dave’s spare tyre into his new pump, but it was a bit tight. I tried to help and only managed to snap off the valve head (nice one, Michael - I get the Clumsy Bugger Award). After the usual abuse, I retired up the road to lick my wounds and leave them to it. A couple of minutes later I hear a howl from Dave and turn to see him jumping around on the side of the road. A few other cyclists ride up towards the group I’m with laughing their heads off. It turns out that Dave decided to rest his wheel against the fence in order to get a bit more leverage. Unfortunately, he rested it against an electric fence (probably a Gallagher one) and received a belt for his troubles, which also bend the valve stem of his other tube!! Good one, Dave.

The Masters held their Autumn Road Race last Sunday too. Now some of you may have guessed by now that I don't hold certain members of the Masters Executive in high regard, but some of my mates belong to the club and they're OK, so they deserve a mention every now and again.

Our mate Harry (Gollum) Donker competed, he couldn't catch the front runners, but managed to win his section. Rumour has it that he got Smeagol to brown eye the other guys in his group just before the sprint - really put them off their stride!

Robyn Puru did really well and was the second placed woman. Well done, Robyn. Robyn came out to the race on Saturday but wimped out because of the lousy weather. I guess she made a good choice in saving her legs for Sunday.

I also heard that Scott Ardern came in fastest time. Well done Scott.

Also competing on the day was our Cyclist of the Week - John Badger. John was in a group of four riders. But one of the riders was wheelsucking, so John sat on him while the other two escaped. Fortunately, he managed to beat him in the sprint for a respectable third place. Good one John.

So let me tell you about John. John is a teacher, so you'll recognise him easily in the bunch - he's the guy wearing walkshorts, socks and sandals. John teaches Science at Fraser High, so be warned if you have or are thinking of sending your innocent impressionable youngsters to Fraser. I don't know how John manages to teach Science as his grasp on Technology is tenuous at best. He has just managed to obtain an email account!! So what, you say. You have to realise that this is a significant step forward in John's world. For John, this is analogous to Neil Armstrong stepping on the moon. It took a lot of thought (well agonising really) and planning on John's part. And it's not over yet, oh no! He hasn't actually gone into his email account and looked at the messages yet. That is the next step. I will be running a sweepstake on how long it takes John to read his first message - we'll do it in yearly blocks, cause it could take a while.

I should warn you to be very careful when you ride with John. This is for two main reasons.

1. John is a magpie. If he sees anything shiny on the road he'll stop to pick it up - coins, spanners, any discarded tools. I suspect he is a closet Green Party member, doing his bit for the environment. Normally this is commendable, but it can make for an erratic ride as John dives off his bike collecting treasures. I have even been on a ride with John when we had to stop at a farm auction near Cambridge, so he could put a bid in on a post hole borer! "Hey, it's a real bargain", John insisted. John also collects tractors! Strange, but true. John currently has a total of three tractors. Not as much of a collector as Kevin Stuart and his 30 odd bikes, just a more unusual collection.

2. John takes forever to change a tyre. If John punctures, help him out. If you don't get ready for a long wait. Watching John change a tyre is like watching grass grow, with a running commentary in your ear. Once on a ride to Cook's Beach a group of us had the misfortune to be riding with John when he punctured. The first five minutes was spent finding a place to put his bike, then he had to get the wheel out. For the next, god knows how long, he had to microscopically examine his tyre and tube to find out where the hole was....and so it went on. I trust you get the picture, I won't bore you with the details, I'm falling asleep just thinking about it.

Actually speaking of punctures that reminds me about a candidate for the Tight Arse Award and that would be Kemble Pudney. A few years ago Kemble punctured out near Taupiri way. His replacement tube had 15 (yes, fifteen) patches on it!! It had patches on patches! I'm telling you we're talking Mr Cheapy Cheapy Cheepo here! I think we shamed him into buying a new tube after that.

Anyway, back to John. Let's all welcome John to the 21st century. His email address is jb@fraser-high.school.nz send him an email and say hello. Keep the emails clean boys and girls, let me know how long it takes for John to reply.

Speaking of replies, I have been inundated with RL (Roger Leaf) sightings. Reports are coming in from all over the country from frightened cyclists (and others) who have encountered this crazed lunatic training day and night to get back his fitness. Mary from Brynderwyn writes, "I was driving to the shops the other day and I saw this madman on his bike near the top of the Brynderwyns. On my way back home I saw him in almost the place, I stopped to ask him if he was lost. "No madam", he replied, "I'm on the second of three hill intervals up these hills!"" I ask you readers, is this a sane man? This man needs help!

Jumping around again, I went out riding tonight and was fortunate enough to ride with the famous Bob Puru, cyclist to the stars. Bob has shaved off his trademark handlebar moustache! What a difference, looks good Bob. Rumour has it that Bob was trying to emulate his hero, Blyth Andrews the Track Star. But that'll take some doing, Bob. You'll need to do more than shave off the moustache, the hair will have to go too before you can come close to looking like Super-Blyth.

General Club stuff. The AGM is planned for Monday 21 June at the Gallagher Building, Kahikatea Drive. There will be lots on as we're looking to elect a new committee, make a few changes to the constitution, set our subs for next year. We've also been talking to Andrew from the Fat Ass Cycle Team (FACT) about affiliating. FACT is a social cycling club, but some of the FACT guys would like to race, so we're looking at working together. Apparently they really like their coffee, so that immediately got Trevor, Blyth and Kerry's interest.

Also we won't be racing on Queen's Birthday weekend. There are a lot of other events on that weekend.

It looks like Miles is looking to make some money. He's got some Ksyriums and other stuff for sale, have a look on the brag page.

Kevin Stuart also gets the Soft Cock Award. While out riding tonight, it started raining as we made our way home through Flagstaff. Kevin disappeared off the back of our group, only to reappear about ten minutes later ensconced in Garry Gallagher's car, being driven home!! SOFT

Thanks very much for all the gossip, you know my lips are sealed. Some people have expressed concern at missing out on my insults, don't worry your turn will come...Shane Neil!

Anyway happy cycling

Michael

P.S. Quote from Dean Peterken, "There are a few things in life that are predictable, ____ being a fuckwit is one of them" Ask Dean to fill in the gap.

P.P.S. Confucius say, "When motorist piss you off, use words, not fist - much smarter"