Newsletter No 27 2/12/04
Well, Lake Taupo is over for another year and as with every year there were good stories and hard luck tales. Most people that I talked to had a good time despite the awful wind. So, here are a few noteworthy tales:
Bad Luck Story
Neal Fray crashed about 100m from the end when the guy in front of him clipped another guy's wheel and went down in front of him.
Tough Shit Tale
Sonnie Witana and Neal Fray were both disqualified for drafting behind a truck to catch another anonymous and talented (but modest) rider who had successfully dropped them on Hatepe Hill. It was such a shame to see such ungentlemanly conduct. Particularly since the rider, who is obviously a real gentleman who follows the highest moral and ethical code but wishes to remain anonymous, was clearly about to go to the front of the group and slow them down so Sonnie and Neal could catch up! Oh, ye of little faith!!
Maybe Neal's crash was due to the god's displeasure at his cheating tactics - of course Sonnie's punishment is obvious to anyone who sees him.
Thick as Pigshit Tale
Paul (Fiddler) Watene showed what a slow learner he was. After the debacle in the Rotorua ride a couple of weeks ago, couldn't resist fiddling with his bike again before Taupo with similar results. You may recall that the night before the Rotorua ride, Paul decided to adjust his seat post. Of course part way through the ride his post slipped and since he had also not taken any tools with him, he was forced to abandon the race. This time, thicko Paul decided to fiddle with his chain before the ride. Sure enough, about 65k into the ride his chain broke. Of course, he also didn't have a chain breaker on him, so he had a bit of a walk until some kind soul lent him one. This time he did manage to complete the ride. Now, the big question is, do you think Paul has learned anything from this?
I undertook an extensive research poll to discover what our readers thought and here are the results:
Question: Do you think that Paul has learned anything from the past two fun rides?
Answer:
No 58%
He works for the Railways, they're all thick there, absolutely not 65%
You must be bloody joking - he's even dumber than Kevin Stuart 34%
Of course he has learned he is a lovely bloke with lots of brains 1 person (Paul's wife)
Tight as a Fish's A*se Award
Goes to Kevin Stuart and Kerry Evans, both of whom were too tight to pay to enter the Taupo ride, despite owning bikes that together would pay off most of the Third World's debts. Apparently Kevin had a terrible ride and trying to climb off his bike at Kuratau. Some may think that could have been his guilty conscience, but those of us who know Kevin, know that is not possible.
Other Noteworthy Results
Didn't Geoff Burndred do well coming in second to Druggie Yates? Pity they let Yates enter. Ross Simmonds was telling me that he and another rider (I think it was Miles Watson, but I can't remember) were away for most of the race and only got caught on Hatepe Hill by Geoff and Jeremy. What a shame! Justin Kerr was also up there in the top ten with Miles and Ross at the finish, so well done to them.
Jack Swart also did pretty well to finish in 40th place and this time I didn't hear any stories about him clinging onto vehicles up hills, unlike his disgraceful behaviour in the K2!
Cliff Whittaker was thrilled to beat Garry Gallagher by two minutes. Peter McLean was gutted to cramp before Hatepe and got caught by our group on the other side of Hatepe. Amy Mosen put in a good effort to finish in the same time as Garry Gallgher and I think came in 1st in the Dwarves category.
Murray Russell rode his tandem with a much better class of stoker this time in Karl Moore (his last stoker, was hopeless - some poser, who should go to Auckland with the rest of the posers).
Dorette Prinsloo did a respectable 5:13 and Selwyn Kilpatrick managed not to fall off this time (unlike K2) and finished in 5:17.
Ryan Russell and Kris Withington managed to crash in the early part of the race, but both remounted and finished with the front group in a time of 4:28.
Onto other news. Some of you may be aware that both Kevin Stuart and Harry (Gollum) Donker have splashed out recently on new bikes. They are now proud owners of Merlin Magia's. Where does this place them in the top bike category, you ask? Close to the top, but they still haven't eclipsed Kerry Evan's Litespeed Vortex. As most of you know since being bought by Litespeed, Merlins are Litespeeds that failed the rigorous Litespeed quality control. So, they are rebadged and sold as Merlins. If you look closely at Kevin or Harry's bike, you may see the F for failed marker on the bottom bracket shell.
Finally, I would like to introduce you to our person of the week.
Yes, this week I would like to introduce you to Amy Mosen. Amy is a gutsy little rider (with emphasis on the little) who has helped to haul both Cliffy and my fat butts around the winter race circuit on more than one occasion. Some people who like to hide behind the safety of anonimity have nicknamed her the evil dwarf. Personally, I don't think we should make fun of people's shortcomings (if you'll excuse the pun). I mean you wouldn't hear me mocking Trevor Foley just because he comes from Taranaki. Nor would you catch me poking fun at Kevin Stuart because he was born with only one brain cell. I mean to say there are only a favoured few who are blessed with stunning good looks, talent and modesty like Grange, Harry and myself. The rest of you just have to make the best of a bad lot. Anyway, I digress.
Here is Amy on her new canary yellow steed. I recorded the following interview with Amy recently:
Me: Hello Amy, how are you today?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: So, you're not feeling too well then?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: Is there any truth in the rumours about your limited vocabulary?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: Do you think that being so short has helped you develop more of an affinity with crickets, because you can talk to them easier?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: At the moment you are studying at Wintec. Are you finding that your limited vocabulary is holding you back in any way.
Amy: Listen up, d*ckhead. I have no problem getting my point across to my lecturers. They know better than to mess with me and you better learn that quick smart too if you want to keep your ankles intact.
(At this point Amy started fingering a rather nasty stiletto knife in her belt)
Me: My profound apologies Amy, far be it for me to insult you in any way.
Amy: Well, get on with it what else do you want to know?
Me: What benefits have you found from being coached by Carl Paton?
Amy: Carl has helped me to really improve my performance on the bike and I am very grateful for his help, despite everything.
Me: Despite everything? Have you had a few problems with Carl?
Amy: No, not really...............well...................there is just one problem.....
Me: What is it? Come on, you can tell me. You know my lips are sealed. I'll hardly tell anyone else.
Amy: Well, my hearing does suffer a bit when he gets within 100m.
Me: So, do you have any other advice for the other riders?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: Thank you Amy. I'm sure everyone will take a lot out of that sage advice.
On that note, I will sign off. Hopefully, the warm weather and sunshine will return soon.
Michael
Bad Luck Story
Neal Fray crashed about 100m from the end when the guy in front of him clipped another guy's wheel and went down in front of him.
Tough Shit Tale
Sonnie Witana and Neal Fray were both disqualified for drafting behind a truck to catch another anonymous and talented (but modest) rider who had successfully dropped them on Hatepe Hill. It was such a shame to see such ungentlemanly conduct. Particularly since the rider, who is obviously a real gentleman who follows the highest moral and ethical code but wishes to remain anonymous, was clearly about to go to the front of the group and slow them down so Sonnie and Neal could catch up! Oh, ye of little faith!!
Maybe Neal's crash was due to the god's displeasure at his cheating tactics - of course Sonnie's punishment is obvious to anyone who sees him.
Thick as Pigshit Tale
Paul (Fiddler) Watene showed what a slow learner he was. After the debacle in the Rotorua ride a couple of weeks ago, couldn't resist fiddling with his bike again before Taupo with similar results. You may recall that the night before the Rotorua ride, Paul decided to adjust his seat post. Of course part way through the ride his post slipped and since he had also not taken any tools with him, he was forced to abandon the race. This time, thicko Paul decided to fiddle with his chain before the ride. Sure enough, about 65k into the ride his chain broke. Of course, he also didn't have a chain breaker on him, so he had a bit of a walk until some kind soul lent him one. This time he did manage to complete the ride. Now, the big question is, do you think Paul has learned anything from this?
I undertook an extensive research poll to discover what our readers thought and here are the results:Question: Do you think that Paul has learned anything from the past two fun rides?
Answer:
No 58%
He works for the Railways, they're all thick there, absolutely not 65%
You must be bloody joking - he's even dumber than Kevin Stuart 34%
Of course he has learned he is a lovely bloke with lots of brains 1 person (Paul's wife)
Tight as a Fish's A*se Award
Goes to Kevin Stuart and Kerry Evans, both of whom were too tight to pay to enter the Taupo ride, despite owning bikes that together would pay off most of the Third World's debts. Apparently Kevin had a terrible ride and trying to climb off his bike at Kuratau. Some may think that could have been his guilty conscience, but those of us who know Kevin, know that is not possible.
Other Noteworthy ResultsDidn't Geoff Burndred do well coming in second to Druggie Yates? Pity they let Yates enter. Ross Simmonds was telling me that he and another rider (I think it was Miles Watson, but I can't remember) were away for most of the race and only got caught on Hatepe Hill by Geoff and Jeremy. What a shame! Justin Kerr was also up there in the top ten with Miles and Ross at the finish, so well done to them.
Jack Swart also did pretty well to finish in 40th place and this time I didn't hear any stories about him clinging onto vehicles up hills, unlike his disgraceful behaviour in the K2!
Cliff Whittaker was thrilled to beat Garry Gallagher by two minutes. Peter McLean was gutted to cramp before Hatepe and got caught by our group on the other side of Hatepe. Amy Mosen put in a good effort to finish in the same time as Garry Gallgher and I think came in 1st in the Dwarves category.
Murray Russell rode his tandem with a much better class of stoker this time in Karl Moore (his last stoker, was hopeless - some poser, who should go to Auckland with the rest of the posers).
Dorette Prinsloo did a respectable 5:13 and Selwyn Kilpatrick managed not to fall off this time (unlike K2) and finished in 5:17.
Ryan Russell and Kris Withington managed to crash in the early part of the race, but both remounted and finished with the front group in a time of 4:28.
Onto other news. Some of you may be aware that both Kevin Stuart and Harry (Gollum) Donker have splashed out recently on new bikes. They are now proud owners of Merlin Magia's. Where does this place them in the top bike category, you ask? Close to the top, but they still haven't eclipsed Kerry Evan's Litespeed Vortex. As most of you know since being bought by Litespeed, Merlins are Litespeeds that failed the rigorous Litespeed quality control. So, they are rebadged and sold as Merlins. If you look closely at Kevin or Harry's bike, you may see the F for failed marker on the bottom bracket shell.
Finally, I would like to introduce you to our person of the week.
Yes, this week I would like to introduce you to Amy Mosen. Amy is a gutsy little rider (with emphasis on the little) who has helped to haul both Cliffy and my fat butts around the winter race circuit on more than one occasion. Some people who like to hide behind the safety of anonimity have nicknamed her the evil dwarf. Personally, I don't think we should make fun of people's shortcomings (if you'll excuse the pun). I mean you wouldn't hear me mocking Trevor Foley just because he comes from Taranaki. Nor would you catch me poking fun at Kevin Stuart because he was born with only one brain cell. I mean to say there are only a favoured few who are blessed with stunning good looks, talent and modesty like Grange, Harry and myself. The rest of you just have to make the best of a bad lot. Anyway, I digress.Here is Amy on her new canary yellow steed. I recorded the following interview with Amy recently:
Me: Hello Amy, how are you today?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: So, you're not feeling too well then?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: Is there any truth in the rumours about your limited vocabulary?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: Do you think that being so short has helped you develop more of an affinity with crickets, because you can talk to them easier?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: At the moment you are studying at Wintec. Are you finding that your limited vocabulary is holding you back in any way.
Amy: Listen up, d*ckhead. I have no problem getting my point across to my lecturers. They know better than to mess with me and you better learn that quick smart too if you want to keep your ankles intact.
(At this point Amy started fingering a rather nasty stiletto knife in her belt)
Me: My profound apologies Amy, far be it for me to insult you in any way.
Amy: Well, get on with it what else do you want to know?
Me: What benefits have you found from being coached by Carl Paton?
Amy: Carl has helped me to really improve my performance on the bike and I am very grateful for his help, despite everything.
Me: Despite everything? Have you had a few problems with Carl?
Amy: No, not really...............well...................there is just one problem.....
Me: What is it? Come on, you can tell me. You know my lips are sealed. I'll hardly tell anyone else.
Amy: Well, my hearing does suffer a bit when he gets within 100m.
Me: So, do you have any other advice for the other riders?
Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!
Me: Thank you Amy. I'm sure everyone will take a lot out of that sage advice.
On that note, I will sign off. Hopefully, the warm weather and sunshine will return soon.
Michael
posted by Michael Hamid at 3:59 AM
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