Newsletter No 20 2/09/04

This is some sort of milestone...20 newsletters. So, I thought I would start by apologising to everyone who I may have inadvertedly insulted.

I would like to apologise to Sonnie Witana for in any way implying that he was slow up hills.

I would like to apologise to Kevin Stuart for suggesting that he had only one brain cell

I would like to apologise to Bob Puru for any hurt he may have sustained by me associating him with Donkey Growth Hormone

I would like to apologise to Garry Gallagher for calling him a halfwit

I would like to apologise to Amy Mosen for suggesting she resembled a dwarf

I would like to apologise to Jack Swart for calling him a complete and utter b*stard

I would like to apologise to Roger Leaf for calling him a sneaky, underhand, totally untrustworthy person

I would like to apologise to Dave Chandler for suggesting he is anything other than an upright citizen

I would like to apologise to Kerry O'Keefe for casting aspersions on his relationship with Doris the Goat

I would like to apologise to Blyth Andrews and Trevor Foley for suggesting that their affectionate relationship was in any way unhealthy

I would like to apologise to Shane Bullivant for insulting his bike cleanliness habits

I would like to apologise to Cliff Whittaker and Murray Russell for insulting their ears.

I would like to apologise to Carl Paton for calling him 'Foghorn'

I would like to apologise to Harry Donker for calling him Gollum

I would like to apologise to Shane Neil for calling him a grumpy b*stard

I would like to apologise to John Badger for mocking his technical incompetence

I would like to apologise to Kemble Pudney for laughing at his tight *rse ways with a bicycle tube

And if I have miised you out here I would like to apologise for any hurt I may have caused.

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NOT!!!

If any of you thought for one second that those apologies were genuine then you are even more stupid than you look.

My guess is that you fell into one of three categories of thought while you were reading the rubbish I wrote above.

1. Those who thought, "Gee, Michael must have really turned a new leaf and is genuinely sorry"

This camp I call the insanely optimistic school. Since you are all cyclists and therefore incapable of any of the higher emotions, I suggest that the people in this category would be fairly small.

2. Those who thought "What is he up to? I can't believe Michael has any sincerity at all."

This should be the bulk of you, who know that I cannot be trusted one iota.

3. Those who thought, "Duh"

This category is confined to Kevin Stuart who's only remaining brain cell is still trying to digest the first sentence I wrote.

Speaking of Kevin Stuart, I have in my possesion the application for refugee status that his brain cell has filed with the Department of Immigration. Here is a sample:

NAME: Brain Cell

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN: Kevin Stuart

PLEASE STATE YOUR REASONS FOR SEEKING REFUGEE STATUS:

I am Kevin Stuart's last remaining brain cell. He has killed all my brothers and sisters off through a steady diet of insanely long bike rides with Bruce Love. Every ride he took with Bruce would kill off hundreds of my siblings as we had to listen to Bruce Love drone on and on and on about how he remembered meeting a tractor up this road in 1845, and how 25 people turned up to the Dey St ride on the third Sunday in September 1991. It can only be described as torture. I am the only survivor and I would like to have the opportunity to live the rest of my days out in a brain that appreciates me. I know Kevin will not miss me as he hasn't used me for years.

Now for some more news. Our teams did really well in the 40K Team Time Trial last Saturday at Te Aroha. Our A Team consisting of Jack (Off) Swart, Justin Kerr, Ryan Russell and Ross Simmonds came first in a blistering 54 minutes and our B Team with Blyth Andrews, Trevor Foley and Kerry Evans came second in the Masters Section with a time of 56 minutes (I think). Way to go boys!

I also heard that Jack came second in the first of Stephen Cox's races. I'm not sure of the other placings, so if someone lets me know, I'll put it on the website.I think Scott Ardern was up there too. bob Puru was in the second group and is swearing that he'll dust Jack this week.

Jack is stomping at the moment. He came second in the Master section of the Tahiti tour and Rod Carpinter came first, what a great effort. More importantly our team came first in the Open section of that tour. I can't remember everyone who went, but I'm sure ross Simmonds went and I think Justin may have gone as well.

On the romantic side, I heard that Dorette (Dee) Prinsloo was taken to the St John's School Ball last Saturday by one Andrew Wells. Apparently, he picked her up in a limo or a Caddilac - very romantic. Amy Mosen is trying to get the photos, but Dee is surprisingly reluctant to hand them over.

Peter McLean has also returned from a tour to the Tour de France. He said it was great being there. They rode up all the climbs, plus Mount Ventoux, only slightly slower than Lance.

Debbie Ardern turned up to the Sunday ride sporting a very flash L'Alp D'Huez outfit. Very stylie! I think Blyth was jealous at someone dressing with more style than his efforts. I didn't see any pictures of Scotty climbing. Debbie didn't like to say, but I think she dusted him. I think he was so slow the had turned the cameras off and all gone home by the time he got there. Debbie is very loyal, but Scotty we all know you've reached 35 and it's all downhill from there - look at me, better still, look at Sonnie. Sad shadows of our former selves.

Speaking of sad shadows, that ingrate Trevor Foley started poking the borax at yours truly this week by suggesting that my jacket was rather tight around me and perhaps I was carrying some excess weight. What a cheek, Foley, you inbred son of a donkey called Derek. This weight is merely part of my cunning training strategy. It's called the Ullrich Plan. I've followed this plan to the letter. It says that you need to put on lots of weight in the winter and work to get it off in the summer so you peak just at the right time to catch everyone else off guard. It worked for Jan, didn't it? Well OK, I will concede that it didn't work out quite that way for Jan.........but it would have if it wasn't for a few riders who were slightly faster.

In the sad tales, but true category is our friend Cliff Whittaker. Cliffy, as some of you know, is training really hard for the Nationals. but I think he may be getting a bit carried away. Today, he got his legs waxed - ouch. It took the poor woman two and a half hours! Small wonder when you see those tree stumps Cliff calls legs. I understand that the lady doing the waxing had to put out a special call for more wax and cotton strips. So, be warned ladies if you have a waxing appointment over the next couple of days, they may run out. Murray Russell is booked in next. I heard that Bob Puru tried to also make an appointment, but was turned away because beauticians only work on humans, not gorillas!

Finally, I must share the following email from Claire (Bear) Brazell. She is looking for a house, so if you have any offers, her email address is: brazell@waikato.ac.nz. As you can see, Claire has some taste and has already anticipated one offer from one of our more unsavoury members. Good one Claire!

Hey Hey Mikey

I am loving this email it has brightened up my day!

hey could you do me a favour and email everyone saying I am still homeless! and looking for somewhere to live, and no before you offer I don't want to live in Garry Gallagher's wardrobe with his blow up dolls Sharon and Tracey!

have a great weekend

Claire Bear

Anyway, have a great week and remember the cyclist's motto; never give a sucker, an even break!

Michael

P.S. Robyn Puru is organising a slower ride every Sunday leaving Cycletime at 9am. If the other two groups are too fast for you, go along to Robyn's ride. She'll look after you (I can't understand how such a lovely lady puts up with that terrible Bob Puru).