Newsletter No 10 28/05/04

Hi dee Hi fellow cyclists, welcome to Newsletter No 10. And what an auspicious occasion it is, we've reached double figures! Yes, it's been 10 weeks since I started this exercise in lunacy and I'm still going strong.

"Surely", some of you may ask, "he can't think of anyone else to victimise?"

"Hah!", I say, and again, "Hah!"

So what else is going on. Well there are a few cyclists shelling out good money on new bikes. First off the lot is our own Saint Cliff with a new TCR1 carbon bike. Cliffy looks cool on his new steed and he loves the ride. Greg Gillard has just got himself a new Avanti Corsa after his was munted in Taupo following the Rotorua Flyer (you may recall I wrote about this a few weeks ago). Unfortunately, Greg has hardly put in any kilometres on his new bike yet - I can't repeat the reason he gave me for not getting on the bike, but is went something like 'p*ssy whipped'.

Just this evening Grange Leaman came out on a new carbon Dolan frame with Carbon Record components (ooh...gasps of excitement). Grange also looks cool and he made us all pay on his inaugural ride by hammering us - thanks Grange, really nice of you.

I can also reveal to you tonight in a world exclusive that Sonnie Witana is secretly upgrading his bike with Dura Ace gear in his comeback bid. Soon he will be out and about secretly training, like Roger Leaf, so he can reclaim his former glory. Beware fellow cyclists, the brown demon is coming back!! In a few weeks we could see Sonnie Witana launching himself up the Ngutinui climb like a damp squib in an attempt to beat his own record of 3 hours and 54 minutes for a solo ascent of Ngutinui. Watch out Dave Mann, Sonnie has you in his sights (now if only he could climb).

Speaking of bikes. The gearheads among us spend a lot of time comparing bikes and components. And we have the perennial Campag vs Shimano debates. So, I decided to find out who had the best bike in the Waikato. I commissioned an independent poll to determine this vexed question once and for all. The polling organisation ( IBCrooked Polling Inc - motto "you tell me the results and I'll gather the data") used the voting rules of the Hamilton Masters Club to ensure a totally fair count.

After an extensive poll of the entire Waikato region, I can now announce the results.....................(drumroll, clashing cymbals - for much longer this time of course, because this is much more important than a mere sainthood)....and the winner is:

With 3,126,533 votes the Litespeed Palmares with Campag Record gear owned by me comes first (another miracle)!!

With 3,126,532 votes the Litespeed Vortex with Dura Ace owned by Kerry Evans comes a close second

Other notable bikes were

Kevin Stuart's Merlin: 1 vote

Garry Gallagher's Merlin: 1 vote

Harry Donker's Merlin (yawn): 1 vote

Bob Puru's Trek: -3 votes (that was quite nasty of Kevin, Harry and Garry, I thought)

Now those sore losers among you may think that the voting was rigged. I can swear on Saint Cliff's ears that you can trust me to ensure a totally fair and credible result - just like you can trust me to handicap the races fairly!!

Now it is time for our person of the week. This week it is none other than....................Grange Leaman!!!!!

Grange is the tallish, bald, good looking guy who runs Proudlock Cycles. As an aside, I suppose, like me, you've noticed how those two descriptions go together so often. You know, bald and good looking. Aren't there so many of us around? Besides, Grange, there's me, Harry Donker, Blyth Andrews and Trevor Foley, just to name a few - OK, scratch Trevor off the list until he's finished his Extreme Makeover.

Anyway back to Mr Leaman. Grange comes from a family of cyclists and is a fierce competitor. But he has something quite unique for a cyclist and this is what makes him stand out from the crowd. A few years ago on the Leamington Fun Ride, Grange had a heart attack. Now that was a shock for many people. Including Grange, I am sure. But for us cyclists it was a particularly profound shock. Not because he was so young and not because he was so fit.

No readers, we were profoundly shocked because we found someone who had a heart. Now Grange only has half a heart but that still puts him half a heart ahead of the rest of us.

Grange also rides Mountain bikes and although that makes him morally suspect (and makes the local sheep quite wary), he does redeem himself somewhat by organising good rides on Tuesdays and Thursdays from Proudlock's and by having a coffee machine in his shop. Unfortunately, his shop is frequented by some cyclists of dubious reputation such as Kevin Stuart and Garry Gallagher. So, if you happen to pop into the shop and see these two in there, I suggest you beat a hasty retreat and come back later after the smell has gone.

As you know, I hate to name drop but I was talking to Jan Ullrich the other day and Grange came up in the conversation.

ME: Jan, how are you?

JAN: Mikael, guten tag, wo bist?

ME: Look, speak English will you or my readers won't understand what you're saying and they'll think I'm making this up.

JAN: Oops, sorry about that old chap (Jan learned English from the Poms, so he has a Pommie accent), jolly hockey sticks, what ho.

ME: So, hows the prep for the Tour going?

JAN: Fine, just fine....(suspicious silence)...why who's been talking to you? Don't believe everything you read in the papers. You haven't been talking to Lance have you?

ME: Calm down Jan, stop being so paranoid. I spoke to Lance last week, but just cool it.

JAN: Sorry again, I just get a bit wound up sometimes. Take a deep breath, calm down Jan, think happy thoughts.....OK, I'm better now. Prep for the Tour? Yeah, it's going fine but I'm still looking for some depth in my team. (Pause) Actually, you may be able to help. do you know Grange Leaman? Tallish guy, balding, good looking (see, I told you).

ME: Yeah, I know Grange. Why?

JAN: Well, he'd be great as a domestique in my team. Strong as an ox, thick as pigshit and half a heart just what I need.

ME: Sorry, Jan. Grange wouldn't be interested. He's working at Proudlock Cycles. He wouldn't want to give that up for a job as your domestique. Be fair, you'd be asking him to give up the regular gearhead sessions with Kevin Stuart and Garry Gallagher for what? Fame and fortune? I ask you which one would you take?

JAN: Well....I think I'd take my job actually.

ME: But see that's the difference between you and Grange. Sorry, but I wouldn't bother asking him, he won't be interested.

JAN: Whatever you say, I guess I'll just have to make do with my current team. Anyway, I'd better get back to my training. Say hello to Shanti and Finn for me.

You can see how I look after my mates. You can thank me later Grange.

Well it's getting on, I'd better sign off now. See you all around

Michael