Newsletter No 9 21/05/04

WARNING WARNING!!!

Are you easily offended by stories of lying, cheating, underhand cyclists?

Does the thought of riding behind Kevin Stuart or David Chandler have you reaching for a bucket?

If so read no further than this!!!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Do your eyes recoil when reading offensive words such as !@#$% or !&%*%& or Sonnie Witana?

If so read no further!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Are you sure about this?

Really sure...I mean I wouldn't like to offend anyone (who wasn't offensive themselves)

Last warning for the faint of heart

OK you can't say you weren't warned

Right I'm starting now, so this is your final final final warning!!! Beyond this line lurk terrible, bloodcurdling, stomach wrenching tales of sick, psychopathic perversion. If you read any further you must have a stomach of iron and nerves of steel. You must be able to handle the worse sorts of depravity; like the thought of Jack Swart and Justin Kerr riding side by side in front of you wearing see-through shorts........................................................................sorry folks that had me reaching for the bucket!!

OK, so only the sickos are left.

Welcome readers to the 9th edition of my newsletter.

Here are a few replies I have received from some offended readers:

I suppose so - it has its own awful fascination. I would just like to say with respect to inner tubes - yes I and Shane probably were ashamed - at being bullied and ridiculed into disposing of tubes with years of life left in them. And what about the attractive lavender shaded ultra-sensitive not to mention down right effeminate inner tubes you used to ride and probably still do covertly and closet-wise?

Yours slanderously

Kemble

As I have to reply to this email to keep recieving these wonderful examples of fine journalism I thought I should come to my own defence about the charges of cycle abuse. For those of you who know me I come from the old school of riders who believe bikes are for riding (hard) and not for looking at or for combing your hair in the polished chrome forks or stays. We have an old saying that goes "If it's not broken don't clean it". I wonder if that might have something to do with all the mechanical problems I have! Anyway has anybody seen Jack Swarts bike lately? Now theres a guy who believes bikes are for riding.

Shane B

P.S.

Oh by the way Mike, keep up the good work. It's not often I get to chuckle out loud reading my emails. I'm sure everybody will eventually forgive you for the slanderous material.

Oh, Except Sonny of course!

Shane actually makes a very good point. Now who do you think fits into the categories; old school hard bastard or soft pretty boy (or girl) yuppie. Write to me with your nominations and I'll put them into my next newsletter. I have a couple of candidates to kick things off:

Old School Hard Bastard

Jack (Off) Swart - favourite saying - "why clean it, it'll only get dirty again"

Shane Bullivant - "Kevin, can you service my bike please?"

Dave Mann - "Do I need to oil my chain once a year or just once?"

Soft Pretty Boy (or Girl) Yuppie

Wayne Shackleton - "We've gone 50ks, we need to stop so I can polish my bike"

Kevin Stuart - "105, 106, 107, 108" (counting the links on his chain as he carefully places a drop of lube on each link)

Blyth Andrews - "Trevor, I need to change my socks because they don't match my new cycling ensemble"

Trevor Foley - "Blyth, do you like this new pink number? I think it brings up my complexion beautifully"

What great weather we've been having. Good numbers for the race last Saturday. We had huge numbers for the Sunday ride as well as big groups for Grange's rides from Proudlocks.

Speaking of the Sunday ride, the 8.15 group was huge. Over Gillard Rd one of the riders punctured, but the guys at the front didn't realise and rode on oblivious to a group of about 12 riders strung out along the road. I dropped back to see what was going on and then tried to catch the group. It took me until Forkert Rd (about 7-8 km)!! Who was at the front, you ask? None other than CARL (Foghorn) PATON! ....It all became clear. Of course no one heard the poor bastard who punctured, they were all deafened by CARL talking at the front. I guess there was one good thing about CARL. I knew I was getting to within a kilometre because I could hear him talking.

Another thing you should know. CARL is offended easily. All you have to do is ride to the front and say something like, "Carl old chap, I think you should stop so the riders behind can catch us" and he gets very upset. It's almost as though he thought I said, "Hey you selfish, self-centred bastard stop so the poor pricks behind can catch up and in future fucking wait instead of hammering everyone" I am sure you readers know what a quiet, gentle soul I am. The ultimate gentleman rider, who would never offend anyone. Anyway, Carl mistakenly thought I was abusing him and snapped back, "What do you think I'm fucking psychic?" I think it was a rhetorical question, but the answer is, "Yes, of course. You're going for a PhD and they know everythng!!"

We were riding to Ngutinui and Dave Chandler was there. Sadly, Dave declined my offer to ride all the way to Ngutinui and turned off at Pirongia. It was such a shame as we could have relived the last time we rode around Ngutinui. This was a historical ride, that will forever be known as "The Ride of the Demented". Gather around fellow cyclists as I tell you the story.

It was beautiful sunny morning just after New Year in 99 (I think) when Dave Chandler, Billy van Berkum and I set off for a ride around Ngutinui. Dave had just ridden the Midsummer Madness course a couple of weeks before. Normally, this would only signify that Dave was pretty fit and raring to kick my arse up any hill. However, this time Dave had ridden it with a bout of flu! This should give some insight into Dave's character - a strong streak of stupidity. When it comes to looking after himself Dave makes an amoeba look awfully clever. As you do on most rides, I asked Dave how he was feeling and I got the usual answer.

"I feel like shit, my legs are aching, my whole body is sore, I'll be struggling today"

And I gave the usual reply, "Yeah, right Dave"

As I may have mentioned previously, Dave makes a politician sound honest. So, I took absolutely no notice of this at all.

Bill van Berkum, for those of you who haven't made his acquaintance, is a hard-arsed Dutchman. Tight as a fish's arse and totally untrustworthy. In other words a typical cyclist. Bill was a strong and experienced rider, but he was having problems with his heart. Every now and again Bill's heart would go into arythymia and he'd be gasping for breath. Not a pretty sight.

"Why", you may well ask "Was he out riding his bike?"

Good question. Answer: "Because he is stupid"

Bill had a hypothesis that when his heart went into arythymia, he was going into oxygen debt (no shit, Sherlock). Sooo....if he could train hard while he was in oxygen debt, imagine how much better he'd be able to race when his heart was functioning properly!! (This is true!)

Those of you with more than one brain cell may have noted the slight flaw in this hypothesis. But for those of you with one or less brain cells (Kevin Stuart), I'll explain. The flaw is of course, death...Bill's that is.

Bill was assuming that is heart wouldn't say, "Fuck you" while he was hammering away and stop completely. Just a bit of a stretch, I thought.

Anyway, the ride was pretty uneventful until we got to Ngutinui when Dave and I attacked each other. Oops sorry, I forgot, Dave never attacks anyone. He only counter-attacks! Spot the difference. So we hammer each other to the top of Ngutinui and stop to wait for Bill, who up to now had been riding very sensibly. Now Dave was not looking too good, this time he really was suffering. It looked like he really was feeling crook. Now this was quite a revelation - not the fact that he was sick, but the fact that this was the first time he had ever told the truth (I think that may have exacerbated his condition as well)!

Anyway, when Bill caught us at the top we cruised down the other side and started making our way through the gorge. Then Bill decided to try out his theory. No sooner had we rounded the corner at the bottom of the hill, into the gorge, when Bill attacked us and headed up the road at full speed. Dave was a bit behind, so I jumped and caught Bill about 500m before he pulled up, grey and gasping for breath as his heart started playing up. When he had recovered, he explained his hypothesis to me. I only had time to pick my jaw up off the ground and tell him what a mad bastard he was, before he jumped again! All through the gorge he repeated this scenario; attack for a kilometre or so, slow down while heart goes bananas, recover and jump again. Meanwhile poor old Dave was dribbling along behind us as his flu kicked in. And on we went to the end of the gorge, up the hill to the school, along the road to the Te Kawa crossroads, left toward Te Awamutu. With one pathetic, wretched Chandler and one psychotic, lunatic Bill van Berkum like a mad scientist experimenting on himself.

About 10 km from TA we came to the last climb and I decided I had had enough of Bill's mad attacks, so I launched off up the hill ready to time trial to TA and wait for both of them at the cafe. I got over the hill and about halfway along the straight, when I decided to have a look to see how far behind they were. I saw Dave a way behind me, but no sign of Bill. So, I slowed down and waited. Dave came closer but there was still no sign of Bill. By this time Dave was looking back as well. Worried we both turned around and rode back to the top of the hill. Dave was about 100m in front and he came across Bill unconscious, slumped half off his bike with his head touching the ground. (Heart 1, Bill 0) By the time I saw him he had completely collapsed on the ground. We helped him off his bike and propped him up against a nearby fence (he had come to by now) to recover and insisted that we call his wife so she could come and get him. Bill said he was feeling OK. He begged us not to say anything to his wife and promised to behave himself for the rest of the ride.

After about fifteen of so minutes we resumed our ride and Bill did behave himself this time. And Dave and I kept a very close eye on him the rest of the way home. Bill ended up getting off the bike for a while and had some treatment for his ticker and it seemed to come right for a while. He came out of retirement, but the problem with his heart returned, so he retired for good this time. Dave's flu turned into bronchitis after the ride and he was off for a few months, I think, recovering. So, the message I got out of this litle incident was to be aware of the body. The warning signs are there for a reason and sooner or later it'll kick back - hard. Oh and in case you hadn't noticed Bill's training hypothesis was not proven. If you see anyone advertising the Bill van Berkum Training Method, my advice is to steer well clear!

Now for our Person of the Week.

This week the honour goes to Garry Gallagher!!

Garry Gallagher, gearhead and two times Hamilton Open C Grade Champion!

You may recall that I spoke about Kevin Stuart being a gearhead and bike collector extraordinaire a couple of weeks ago. Well Garry hasn't reached the collecting mania of Kevin (despite Kevin's protestations), but he's not far behind. Garry is probably 6 or so bikes behind Kevin, but this is still an impressive total which few have reached. Garry has also probably received the most used bikes and other gear from Kevin (most of Hamilton has something second hand from Mr Stuart, but Garry would have received the most). Garry and Kevin are mates from school (interesting side note, they attended one of the top secondary schools in Hamilton, Fairfield College. You may be interested to know that in addition to Kevin and Garry, this school also produced a couple of other fine upstanding citizens. Can you guess who they are? I know, it is too easy, that sort of quality shines doesn't it? Yes, Sonnie and I also modestly take our place among the pantheon of outstanding cyclists produced by our alma mater - it must be something in the Fairfield College toilets).

Sorry, I got side tracked. As I said Kevin and Garry have been mates since school and they go everywhere together. Every lunchtime you'll spot them prowling the bike shops looking for new gear. Dribbling over a carbon seatpost, drooling over a new handlebar.

As for Garry's riding. Well this man, ladies and gentlemen, is a fearsome competitor. Garry is clearly a B Grade rider. But does he wish to ride with his peers and equal? No, ladies and gentlemen, Garry much prefers to spread his talents among the C Graders. Why ride in the middle of the B Grade, when you can burgle the C Grade? That is Mr Gallgher's philosophy. And it has worked very well for him too. As you can see from my introduction, this man is not just a one time C Grade Champion, but he has won the Hamilton C Grade Open twice in a row!

This is the man Lance Armstrong fears more than Jan Ullrich. I spoke to Lance the other day (oh yes, I have contacts) and asked him about Garry. Here is an excerpt from our conversation:

ME: "So Lance, how's the training going?"

LANCE: "Michael, how wonderful to hear from you. How is Shanti and Finn? How are your grandchildren? You must come around next time you're in Austin for a barbie........." (this is just to establish credibility, for those of you who doubt that I could talk to Lance. If he didn't know me how would he know about my family? And he doesn't just invite anyone to his place! So there, ye doubting Thomases)

ME: "So, you're still expecting Jan to be your toughest competition?"

LANCE: "Well there are always new riders coming through. but I have to say, that I thank my lucky stars that Garry Gallagher isn't riding the Tour, otherwise I'd be toast."

ME: "I know, you've always harboured a deep fear of Garry. What is it that frightens you?"

LANCE: "Well he is a fierce competitor. He just sucks onto my wheel like a leech. I can't shake him. I look around for him to take a turn at the front and he just says, "Sorry, I'm a C Grade rider". and then he sprints me at the end. He is truly evil."

ME: "You mean he's worse than Harry Donker?"

LANCE: "Gollum? Oh yes, at least Gollum rides A Grade and he'll stick his head out the front at least once before the sprint."

So readers, I give you Garry Gallgher. Our person of the week.

Who will it be next week? Tune in to the same Bat Channel at the same Bat Time for further revelations. Remember, if you would like to drop someone in it, drop me a line...my lips are sealed.

And if this is all too much for you just drop me a line and I'll drop you like a hot cake.

Happy pedaling

Michael