Newsletter No 11 3/06/04

Oh how quickly time passes as another week rolls around. I've not been out much this week, having contracted the lurgy on Sunday afternoon. Somehow, I don't think riding around Little Naike with the group on Sunday morning helped much, particularly since most of the ride was in the rain. It is amazing how much crap you pick up off the road on wet days and Kevin Stuart wasn't even riding with us.

I received some interesting feed back from the results of my independent poll published last week. Here are a few of the comments:

"I couldn't agree more with the results, obviously the best bike won" S Witana

"It just goes to show how many people have good taste" J Bloggs

"An outstanding result from an obviously unbiased poll" J Doe

"I always knew Kevin Stuart had no taste in bikes" name withheld on request

Of course there were the usual whingers and moaners who suspected that the poll had been rigged. Kerry Evans was particularly unsporting in defeat, whining that as his frame was newer it should be first. Tsk tsk, Kerry. Campag Record 10 vs Shimano Dura Ace 9?? Obviously the voters could tell the difference.

As if....I ask you, would I lie to you?

Here are a couple of other letters I have received lately.

(The following is based on the famous sprint for the Horotiu crossing on the Tuesday and Thursday Proudlock's rides)

Harry Gollum Donker with evil look on his dial (road cam) cruising/leeching onto Grange's wheel heading towards Horotiu last night. I'll sit in behind "Precious" Grange's Ring/Wheel and sprint him to the railway line and "Wwwinn", "Hahahahaha"

Ooopp's there goes that bloody redheaded Maori again, the bastard has got me two rides running, "Shit", I'll have to lead for awhile to redeem myself. "Shit shit shit & double shit.

Mike

A little bit of gossip for you, it concerns that "Black Beauty" of a wanna be cyclist Sonnie (Sea Bed & Foreshore) Witana.

My spies have advised that Sonnie Witana is back in training. "Yes" that's right Sonnie dusted off his indoor trainer the other day for some sneaky and well overdue indoor training.

"Shock Horror" I hear you say. "How long did he train for and what was his kilowatt output?

Wait for it, Sonnie trained his ring gear off for a Grand total of 8 minutes.

The Kilowatt output was all of the verbal kind.

2 Days later Sonnie upped the training and included a road ride on his very expensive MTB.

The course was over a distance of 3.7913421100000000000000 km. (House to Work). The ride to work took so long that he was booked AWOL (absent without leave) for the entire day. When Juliet arrived home after an extremely hard & long working day (Sonnie is very hard on Juliet), she found him still riding from the garage to the front gate.

Yes folks Sonnie is back.

If you have anymore rumours or gossip don't forget to let me know, my lips are sealed.

The race series seems to be growing in popularity. Last week we had an even bigger field, with riders from Rotorua and Auckland turning up as well as cyclists from TA and Morrinsville. The scratch group is getting bigger and has managed to catch us for the last three weeks.

Jack is getting stronger. I put him on break last week just to be kind to the old fella, but the ungrateful sod took off from them at the start and spent three laps time trialling alone until scratch caught him. I think he would have been in on the sprint if he had't punctured up Kerie Rd. Limit managed to stay together until we (7 min) caught them in lap three, so that was a good effort.

Sonnie Witana has been coming out every week to help out with the finishes while he recovers from his last op. But as you can see from the anonymous letter above he is on his way back. I understand that Dave Mann is so worried that he is heading back to England to hide from the notoroius 'Black Beauty'.

Don't forget that the AGM is coming up on the 21st June. Get your nominations in, we have a heap of vacant positions. Here are some possible candidates for you to consider:

Patron Saint: Cliff Whittaker (of course)

Minister of Roads: Sonnie Witana ("this is my tribal road, and you all owe me for riding on it")

Honest Christian Cyclist: Dave Chandler (a unique role)

Chief Gearhead: Either Garry Gallagher or Bob Puru (it would be Kevin Stuart hands down, but he's too tight to join any club)

Head Wheelsucker: too many to list

Pedestrian Crossing Sprint Coordinator: either Sonnie Witana or Garry Gallagher

Chief B*llsh*t Artist - another tough category with way too many candidates; but here's a brief list: Dave Chandler, Sonnie Witana, Trevor Foley, Blyth Andrews, Jack Swart, Bob Puru, Kerry Evans, Justin Kerr, Roger Leaf....in fact everyone really.

Town Cryer: CARL (Foghorn) Paton (deaf people can hear him from 100m)

Old B*stard: Harry Donker (no contest here)

So there you go, a few suggestions for you. If you have any more ideas send them to Felicity Bell (our esteemed secretary), she will put them where they belong.

Oh, I nearly forgot. Remember that letter I sent off to the Pope about Cliff. I received an emailed reply the other day (wow email, the Vatican is getting modern these days).

Dear Mr Hamid

Thank you for your application for sainthood for Cliff Whittaker. Yours is not the first application we have received for Mr Whittaker, so it seems this man has some special powers.

There is some speculation that these powers could be contained in his ears, we have some documented cases of this is the recent past. The most noteworthy was of course, the Flying Nun. Some people consider that this was just a TV program with Sally Fields playing the lead role. In fact it was a documentary sponsored by the Vatican.

Unfortunately, we cannot process this application until we receive doumented proof that Mr Whittaker is a Catholic as we cannot confer sainthood on non-Catholics (well, knock me over with a feather, is the Pope a Catholic?).

Your sincerely

The Pope

What a shame. I guess we could start our own religion up and confer a sainthood. We could have the Church of Cycling, hmm that's a bit boring. What about The Church of the Holy Cycle? Who would be the Pope? Our services would of course begin at 8am and 8.15am every Sunday outside Cycletime. Our hymns would be the panting and gasping noises we make up the hills (or would that be speaking in tongues). The High Priest would be the first to the top of the hill. I think I'm onto something here.

Now then who can I pick on this week? Hmmm, I've done Garry Gallagher, Kevin Stuart, CARL Paton and John Badger. Roger Leaf has had a bit of stick (still far too little, but he'll keep), Dave Chandler has been mentioned, as has Dave Mann briefly (I do him later), Sonnie Witana always deserves a hard time and of course Blyth Andrews has rated a couple of mentions, as has Bob Puru.

Speaking of Bob (Eeyore) Puru, he was over in Melbourne at the World Track Champs last week. That's why we all missed him (come on guys, admit it, you missed Bob's happy smiling face and positive attitude). He said he was over there as a spectator, but I have it on good authority that he went to compete. You may have noticed that Bob recently shaved off his handlebar moustache. We all thought he looked good without the moustache. But now I know the real reason and I can reveal it to you in a world exclusive. Bob was competing in the Women's section. He thought he could have a go at Sarah Ulmer and beat her in the pursuit. I told him he was dreaming, but he was adamant.

"She's beatable, and I'm the one to do it", he stated confidently

"But Bob, isn't there a couple of minor problems?" I asked.

"What would those be?"

"Well, for a start you're not a woman. And secondly, she's a better rider than you?"

"Is that all?"

"Isn't that enough?" I was getting concerned now, was Bob losing his marbles?

"Look, I ride like a woman, I'll put a wig on and in lycra no one will know the difference"

"But, you're still not the right shape?"

"OK, OK, I'll use a couple of tennis balls", Bob was getting a bit exasperated now.

"But she's still better than you"

"Rubbish, I can beat Blyth Andrews anytime. Sarah will be easy, because she doesn't take drugs."

Bob was determined. So sure enough he dressed and managed to line up against Sarah in the heats. And the result:

1. S Ulmer 3.30.604

2. B (Bobby) Puru 6.59.999

Don't forget you read it here first.

Have a great Queen's Birthday Weekend. Good luck to everyone doing the Taranaki Tour. Send me some stories.

Regards

Michael

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