Newsletter No 16 8/07/04

Have you heard the news??

Well blow me over with a feather, but I've heard a scary rumour that the Lovemeister is back! Yes, Bruce Love has returned from Singapore for a few weeks holiday. So, partners and spouses be warned. Lock your spineless cycling mates away, because he's on the prowl. Only last Sunday he took his protege, Kevin Stuart out on a 125km ride around numerous back roads. This is the infamous long distance cyclist Bruce Love, who likes nothing more than spending ALL day cycling around the roads of the Waikato. This is the Bruce Love who was once found riding round and round the Dey St track by the 9am Sunday group. He'd been there since about 2 or 3am as he had decided to practice for the 1000km Lake Taupo ride by cycling around the track! Fortunately, we can comfort ourselves that Bruce and Kevin don't like human company much, so they tend to ride by themselves. but every now and then they turn up to try to lure hapless cyclists on one of their all day jaunts. I have had the misfortune to have been suckered in by this dastardly duo as have a number of others, including the likes of Harry (Gollum) Donker, Sonnie Witana, Dave Chandler and Garry Gallagher (most of us only make this mistake once or twice, but Garry must be a bit thick, because he's been suckered several times).

I must also report on a case of corruption in the cycling ranks. I know, for those of you who follow the exploits of some of the professional riders, this is no surprise. But this case has arisen in our own club racing ranks. Grange Leaman has been knobbled! Yes, Grange who has been handicapping the Saturday races has been bribed into giving away soft handicapping placings. And who has been the recipient of this soft handicapping, you ask? Well of course it is none other than that softly spoken little she-devil, Amy Mosen. Yes, she may be short and quiet but she managed to get Grange to give her a super soft handicap last Saturday by putting her on limit! Soft, Grange, soft! Amy being the cunning minx that she is took full advantage of her handicap and won the race. I trust the rest of you honest cyclists (well the semi-honest ones,,,,,.OK, those of you who are not totally corrupt) will see to it that Amy is put in her place this Saturday. She is a break rider. Cliff Whittaker and I have ridden with Amy for some weeks on break and she is plenty strong enough (even for a dwarf).

But I must add that I take my hat off to everyone who turned up to race last week. The weather was atrocious, I was glad I was too crook to race. I must especially congratulate those of you who finished (yes, including you Amy).

Isn't this weather great, not! I went out from Proudlocks on Tuesday expecting a cold night, so I togged up accordingly. I didn't expect to be soaked in freezing rain for the final 30 odd kms. I also didn't expect to get a puncture 3km from my house. There few things that compare with changing a tyre in the dark when it is p*ssing down and freezing cold. I wonder if that had anything to do with the cold I am now nursing? Roll on summer.

In case you hadn't noticed the Tour de France has started. I always find the first few days a bit ho hum. Yes, there is the odd crash to liven things up and I do marvel at those lunatics contesting a mass sprint at 60+ km/h, but I always look forward to the hilly sections.

Fashion news. Grange Leaman has decided to remove the veil of hair and show his true beauty by shaving his head. He now joins the ranks of the truly good looking, who have no need to hide their glory beneath a head of hair. Way to go Grange. By the way, Grange and Lance Armstrong have something in common; they both beat Jan Ullrich (and Sonnie Witana).

This newsletter seems to have generated quite a bit of email. Here are a few samples:

Dear Michael

Thanks so much for your honest and truthful protayal of the habits of cyclists. I am so glad that the truth is finally coming out about that terrible Sonnie Witana. Everything you have said has been spot on. Thank goodness we have someone of integrity in the cycling community at last.

Respectfully

J Witana

I wod lik evryone to now that I hav to brain sells

Kev

I don't think people should laugh at Kerry O'Keefe's fondness for goats. I have found him to be very gentle and kind. You know goats are people too!

Nanny G. Oat

I would like everyone to know that I am willing to pay a substantial reward for the capture of Gollum. He needs to be placed back in my pickle jar for his safety and the rest of society.

Dead Dutch Housewife (message received via emailed Ouija board)

I think Blyth Andrews is lovely and I don't think you should be rude about him. It's not his fault he's a trackie, he was dropped on his head as a baby.

T Foley

I don't care what you say, I still think your bike is the bestest.

G Gallagher

I do too

B Puru

Anyway folks have a good week.

Michael