Newsletter No 12 10/06/04

Hello there fellow cyclists.

Mother Nature put on some spectacularly unpleasant weather over Queen's Birthday weekend. I elected to stay inside and get over my cold. However, a number of brave (or stupid) cyclists decided to compete over the weekend. I know a few people competed in the Taranaki tour and I heard that good old Ross Simmons won it. Well done Ross! I'm expecting a report shortly.

The Beast was also on last weekend. This really is an event for loonies. Why would any sane person run or mountain bike over the Kaimais, then cycle from Te Aroha to Hamilton into the teeeth of a gale and then run a few more kilometres to finish? I was speaking to Mathew Gorter, who took part in the event and he said the ride to Hamilton was the pits. He told me he was struggling to reach 20km/h.

Also on Sunday, I understand that about a dozen nutters turned up at Cycletime for the Sunday ride. Most of them realised their stupidity early on and cut their ride short, but good old Bob Puru soldiered on around Little Naike by himself - with a cold! This man needs counselling. My sympathy goes out to his poor long suffering wife, Robyn.

Anyway onto more pleasant things. I thought it was time to test your general knowledge with a short quiz, so get your pencils out and think hard. Send your answers to me and I'll publish the results next week. Anyone may enter, although Kevin Stuart will struggle with his single brain cell. Everytime he thinks of an answer he'll drop his pencil - so I don't expect anything from him. Oh, and I don't expect anything back from John Badger either, because he'll still be working out how to open his email by this time next week. Anyway here goes:

1. Who rides slower up a hill than Sonnie Witana?

A) Eric the crippled slug

B) Sonnie's dead grandmother

C) Bevan Bell

D) No one

2. Who is Trevor Foley's real father?

A) Simon the Donkey

B) Henrietta the confused chicken

C) No one, he's a b*stard

3. How many friends does Roger Leaf have?

A) None

B) None

C) He was once friendly with James the lonely ant, but he squashed him.

4. Who is the worst half wheeler?

A) Kerry O'Keefe

B) Dave Chandler

C) Roger Leaf

D) All of the above

5. Who is the worst wheelsucker?

A) Gollum

B) Mudflap

C) Grant Mathieson

D) Garry Gallagher

6. Who has less brain cells than Kevin Stuart?

A) John the single cell amoeba

B) Garry Gallagher

C) No one

7. What is the name of the halfwit who thought he could beat Sarah Ulmer on the track?

A) No one would be that stupid

B) Except for Bob Puru

C) Not even Blyth Andrews is that dumb (and that is a stretch)

8. What is the best bike in the Waikato (and maybe the world)?

A) Michael Hamid's Litespeed

B) Michael Hamid's Litespeed

C) Michael Hamid's Litespeed

D) All of the above

9. Why do Merlins suck big time?

A) Because Kevin Stuart rides one

B) Because Garry Gallagher rides one

C) Because Gollum rides one

D) All of the above

10. Who is Dave Mann most afraid of?

A) His wife

B) Sonnie Witana

C) His shadow

D) An electric fence on the Kaipaki Rd

11. What does Paul Watene do in his spare time?

A) Shags spiders

B) Kicks Sonnie's butt on the bike

C) Look at himself in the mirror

12. Who is the slowest tyre changer in the world

A) John Badger

B) Simon the Donkey

C) Eric the crippled slug

13. Which cyclist has the tightest grip on his wallet?

A) Kemble Pudney

B) Shane Bullivant

C) Both of them are tighter than a fish's *rse

14. Who is louder than Carl Paton?

A) Three hundred rutting stags in the middle of roaring season

B) A 300kg gorilla after you've just kneed him in the balls

C) The local air raid siren

D) No one

15. Who has the biggest ears?

A) Cliff Whittaker

B) Murray Russell

C) Dumbo the Elephant

16. For what is Blyth Andrews most famous?

A) Winning a gold medal at the Track Nationals

B) Being a cop

C) Being obsessed with his cycling gear

17. Who wears the best cycling outfit?

A) Trevor Foley

B) Blyth Andrews

C) Wayne Shackleton

D) George the Gorilla

18. Does Justin Kerr have good taste in cycle shorts?

A) No

19. Who likes riding with Jack Swart?

A) Derek the demented Donkey

B) No one, he's a complete and utter b*stard

20. Why does Grange Leaman ride mountain bikes?

A) So he can upset Cliff Whittaker

B) To remind him that real men ride road bikes

21. How do you upset Bob Puru?

A) Tell him he rides like a girl

B) Tell him that Tanya Leaman could kick his butt anyday

C) Do nothing, he's naturally grumpy

22. How do you upset Roger Leaf?

A) Do nothing, he's naturally grumpy

B) Tell him he reminds you of Bob Puru

C) All of the above

23. What does Simon Cavanaugh like least?

A) Spending money

B) Losing a sprint finish

C) Spending money

24. How do you upset Shane Neil?

A) Try to help him get back to the group in a race after he's been dropped

B) Do nothing, he's naturally grumpy

25. How can you recognise Michael Hamid?

A) He's the good looking one

B) He's the one everyone is out to get for being a cheeky b*stard

26. How many times has Shane Bullivant cleaned his bike?

A) Once

B) Twice

C) Never, Kevin Stuart does it for him

27. For what is Bevan Bell best known?

A) Being a Waikato Track Champion

B) Falling off down Ngutinui hill

C) Having to walk up the pimple of a rise(if you can call it that) at the end of Collins Rd while out training one day

28. Why does Kerry Evans exist?

A) No one is sure, including Mr & Mrs Evans

B) To make the rest of us feel that someone is worse off than us

29. Who first said, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger"

A) Frederick Nietsche

B) Some German pillock who knew about bike riding

C) All of the above

30. Heraclitus, a famous Pre-Socratic philosopher once said, "The sun is new each day". What did he mean?

A) He was commenting on the eternal changeability of the universe

B) F*cked if I know, he's a Greek, you can't trust them

31. Does the Zen Buddhist notion of "the sound of one hand clapping" have relevance to modern cycling?

A) No

32. Does Sonnie Witana know Lance Armstrong?

A) No

33. Does Michael Hamid know Lance Armstrong and talk to him regularly?

A) Yes

B) Of course he does, it's obvious

34. Does the fact that Peter MacLean is an acountant have anything to do with his cycling ability?

A) No

B) Yes, he struggles up hills because his laptop weighs him down

35. Complete the following sentence: Bruce Love is...

A) an idiot

B) a complete lunatic

C) a maniac who rides round and round the Dey St track to get used to riding Lake Taupo three times

36. Is there any truth to the rumours about Blyth Andrews and Trevor Foley?

A) Yes

B) I couldn't possibly comment

37. Is there anyone I haven't insulted?

A) No

B) Yes, Bruce the Bushman who resides in the Kalahari Desert

C) No, not even Bruce. He is still upset that I called him Shorty.

38. When was Harry Donker born?

A) 1868

B) 1869

C) 5000BC (he was mistakenly pickled in a large jar of onions by a Dutch housewife in 4950BC and only resurrected recently)

39. What was Derek the Demented Donkey best known for?

A) Refusing to ride with Jack Swart because he knew he'd get hammered (not so demented really)

B) Refusing certain unsavoury advances by Blyth Andrews

C) Accepting certain unsavoury advances by Dave Chandler

40. What was Trevor Foley's most profound statement?

A) He's from Taranaki, they don't do that sort of thing

B) F*ck you

C) What's my name? Hang on give me a minute.....ummmm....it starts with 'T'....I think. Wait a sec...it's coming.....

Happy cycling. Send your answers in. First prize will be one night with Sonnie Witana. Second prize will be two nights with Sonnie Witana.