Newsletter No 13 17/06/04

Hello there fellow cyclists.

What a lovely week, beautiful hot fine weather, a warm, gentle breeze rustling through the palm trees....if only...that is probably the weather Cliff and Barbara Whittaker are experiencing on their seven days in Fiji. For the rest of us it is cold, rain and wind.

Well, knock me over with a feather, who should turn up at the Sunday ride but Murray Russell. Murray was looking trim and fit after taking up boxing. Also back at the Sunday bunch was Sonnie Witana riding a cool Dura Ace equipped bike - nice gear Sonnie, who did you buy that off? Unfortunately, both of them decided to turn back at Cambridge. Far too early in my opinion. I said I'd look after them, but they just scoffed at me. Why do people do that? Also slinking off early was 'chicken' Paul Watene. Sonnie tells me Paul smelled hills coming and chickened out.

We were heading toward Norwegian Rd and TA. Actually the last time I went with the group on that route I didn't get that far. That was last August and I had the dubious pleasure of encountering a dog near Rotorangi that put off the road for six plus months with a plate in my collarbone. We went past the property again and that bloody dog was still loose!! Other than hitting some hills through Norwegian Rd, it was a pretty uneventful ride.

Well.....sort of...there was the bit when we encountered the TA race at the foot of the Paterangi Hill. There was Richard Mellsop standing in front of a good sized group of riders, starting them off, when a very rude Hamilton cyclist tried to help out by riding through and yelling out Go! Honestly, some people have no class. That cyclist should be taken out the back and soundly thrashed. Certainly one of the riders thought so. When the same rider joined into her group and asked what she was up to she replied 'Racing' in an irritated tone (and rightly so, what a stupid question). Her temper was not improved when said rude, uncouth person said, "Really, I thought you were supposed to go faster when you were racing." That really set the cat among the pigeons and the squawking could be heard from some distance!

I mentioned Richard Mellsop before. Richard was the guy who came off his bike at the Rotorua Open. I think his front wheel slipped on some leaves and down he came smacking into Bob Puru's wheel. I think Richard is still recovering from his injuries and is receiving counselling for the trauma of coming so close to Bob Puru. Greetings to Richard and his fellow noteworthy TA member, Graham Bunn. Anyone who has been around cycling for a while should recognise Graham. Graham has coached many a promising cyclist and is deeply immersed in coaching the youth squad. I should mention that Graham also attempted to coach some not so promising cyclists, such as me. Graham did his best, but was severely constrained by the material he was working with. OK, so that is the nice bits out of the way.

A reminder that our Saturday race is still on, so let us know if your coming out so we can sort out the handicapping.

Also we have our AGM on this Monday 21 June. It is being held at the Gallagher Building on Kahikatea Drive starting at 7.30pm sharp. come along and vote for our committee. We have a thrilling agenda:

AGM Agenda

1. Jack (Off) Swart talks about the power and prestige of being the President. Jack will be showing slides of the torture he has inflicted on poor innocent cyclists at his specially build torture chamber at French Pass.

2. Felicity (Swiss Banker) Bell will present the accounts and attempt to hide the $30 million she has salted away for a rainy day in the Cayman Islands. These accounts were audited by Peter (Creative Accountant) MacLean, who is interrupting his trip to the Cayman's to explain how he is going to spend his 10% commission.

3. Blyth Andrews will attempt to say something profound, but it will start and end with Duh!

4. Trevor Foley will be denying the rumours circulating about him and Blyth (but no one will believe him)

5. Kerry Evans will be trying to upgrade his bike with Campag Record gear so he can legitimately claim that he has the best bike in the Waikato

6. Dave Mann would have come along, but he would have either completely forgotten it was on or have run out of petrol because he left his car going in the garage for the last three days

7. Sonnie Witana will arrive at the meeting at 7.30 but take three hours to climb the stairs to Level 5

8. Gollum will be right behind Sonnie because he was sitting on his wheel

9. Simon Cavanaugh will be at the door attempting to collect entry fees from anyone stupid enough to pay.

10. Warren Bell will also be late because he thought he could get that clapped out Chevy going.

11. John Badger will be stuck in the lift because the technology is beyond him.

12. Kerry O'Keefe will try to show some very dodgy photos of himself and his latest girlfriend, Jenny the Goat

13. Kevin Stuart won't turn up at all because he's too tight to belong to any club and anyway he doesn't have any friends

All in all it should be a fun night.

Hasn't it been an interesting week for my mate Lance. Fancy that, 'Snow White' Armstrong and the 'D' word. Jack has posted a chapter from the soon to be released 'LA Confidential' on our website (www.hamiltoncitycycling.com ) with the bits about his brother Stephen. It makes for very interesting reading. Sounds like Lance is a bit p*ssed. He rang me in quite a lather the other day:

LANCE: How dare you put that garbage on your club site, I'll have my lawyers onto you, they'll string you up!

ME: Lance, calm down remember your constitution guarantees freedom of expression

LANCE: Stuff that for a joke, that means freedom for us Americans to express ourselves, not anyone else.

ME: So....how did your performance improve so much?

LANCE: Training and prayer

ME: I get the training bit, but what has prayer got to do with it?

LANCE: As you know God blesses America and we have a hot line to God, so I just prayed a lot and a miracle happened. I got faster.

ME: That is a bit hard to believe. EPO makes more sense.

LANCE: Well you have to believe me, I am Lance Armstrong, I'm a friend of Bill Clinton and I never lie.

I don't think he's too happy with me, but I think he's even more upset with the 'LA Confidential' guys and Stephen Swart.

Speaking of being upset. I received some interesting replies to my quiz.

Shane Neil: "24. F*ck you"

Dave Chandler told me his lawyers would be in touch.

Roger Leaf's friends would have written in to support him, but he had none.

Simon the Donkey wrote in to deny responsibility for Trevor Foley.

John the single cell amoeba rang me to complain about associating him with Kevin Stuart

Eric the crippled slug sent me documentary proof that he had beaten Sonnie up the Taharoa Hill in a time of 1 hours 20 minutes

A local psychic contacted me to relay a message from the Dutch housewife who pickled Harry Donker in 4950BC. She wanted to apologise for not eating him and the rest of the pickled onions when she had the chance.

Some people seemed to have formed the impression that I was taking the mickey. I have to categorically state that nothing could be further from the truth. I am simply reporting, what I hear. So, don't blame me! Who is it that tells me these things, you ask? Well....its the voices in my head. They talk to me all the time. I try not to listen, but they make me. They say things like, "Paul Watene shags spiders" and "Kemble Pudney is tighter than a fish's *rse"

Some people say I'm mad, but you know that's not true....don't you??

Besides the abuse, I received hundreds of entries and after much consideration, I can announce the winner (drumroll)

The first prize winner who gets the grand prize of one night with Sonnie Witana is..........PAUL WATENE

ME: Congratulations Paul, how do you feel

PAUL: Honoured and so lucky. I've dreamed about spending a night with Sonnie ever since I saw him all dressed up in those lovely lycra shorts. I didn't know that you could cram so much flesh into cycle shorts until I saw Sonnie's butt staring at me like the back end of a bus. I am so excited!! (Paul was led away shaking with excitement)

Second prize went to Juliet Witana but she declined the prize and donated it to the Home for Demented Donkeys. She said, "I've had more than two nights with Sonnie and let me tell you, it's nothing to write home about!" Harsh, Juliet, very harsh.

Enjoy the rest of the week.