Newsletter No 22 16/09/04

So, we have a few more champions following the World....sorry Waikato Road Champs last Saturday. Here are the people on this newsletter list who did well.

Ross Simmons won the Elite Men with Justin Kerr in second place

Bob Puru won Vet 3 men and Cliff Whittaker in second place

Jack Swart won Vet 4 men with Chris Johnson in 2nd and Graham Dudfield in 3rd

Marguerite ritchie came in 2nd to Sally Fraser in the Vet Women

Gollum won Vet 6

Karen Fulton won Elite Women with Vickie Burr in 3rd place

Dee Prinsloo came in 3rd in the U19 women

Didn't Bob Puru do well? He is now a champion and so he should be with all his training. But that donkey growth hormone has had a terrible effect. Look at the before and after photos. The first photo shows Bob earlier this year before the DGH had taken effect, the second photo shows him now.
Be warned readers this is what drugs will do to you. Is a gold medal worth it?

I managed to catch up with Bob after his historic victory. It took some time to get through his press agent and past the bodyguards, but I went through it all so you, my readers could listen to the words of a champion.

ME: Bob congratulations on your victory.

BOB: Hee haw....oops. It was nothing really, just a combination of raw talent moulded by hard training and tactical brillance into a winning package of spectacular achievement, but I try to stay modest about my own talent and wit. I suppose you've noticed how good looking I am?

ME: Well, um...I think....maybe the fur and the ears could be a bit off putting to some. Anyway, how does it feel to be a champion?

BOB: Great, of course it has always been my destiny. If I had not been robbed by some blind judges I'm sure I could have taken the crown off Sarah Ulmer in Melbourne.

ME: There was the small matter of you not being as fast as Sarah and being the wrong sex.

BOB: Yeah, but besides that I was clearly the winner.

ME: So what is next after this victory.

BOB: Well, I think probably a world tour will be in order so I can be mobbed by my adoring fans. After that I will probably continue dominating the local racing scene for years to come...in my own modest, quiet way.

ME: Is there any truth in the rumours circulating about your dependence on Donkey Growth Hormone for your success?

BOB: Absolutely not. What a load of nonsense. I don't know who could be circulating those scurrilous rumors.

ME: Well your ears do seem a trifle long and furry.

BOB: Ears, what (at this point Bob starting trying to stuff his ears back into his helmet) ears? Oh these ears......they have nothing to do with drugs, I inherited them from my mother, Doris. Anyway, if that was the case then Cliff Whittaker must be taking elephant Growth Hormone. Look at his ears, they could hardly get the medal over his head at the victory ceremony! At least mine flatten!

At this point I was summarily ejected by one of Bob bodyguards and threatened in quite a rude and terrible manner.

I also managed to briefly talk to Graham Dudfield. You may recall Graham as the cyclist who was insulted that he hadn't been insulted. If you don't know who Graham is I have attached a photo. This will allow you to identify and avoid him.

Graham was worried that he may not be ugly enough, but as you can see that is clearly not the case. To be fair Graham is not as ugly as Trevor Foley. But Trevor has had generations of inbreeding to perfect that gargoyle like ugliness that few reach. No, Graham's looks have been honed from a particularly brutal beating from an irate ram following Graham's attempts at seducing his partner, Nelly one cold winter's day along the Waingaro Rd. Graham is often seen glued to Marguerite Ritchie's wheel ( I guess that proves the old adage that runners stick together) and this is a tribute to his bike handling skills as Marguerite has been known to be slightly erratic at times. Dean Peterken once told me that following Marguerite was like trying to follow a mad cow's p*ss - believe it...or not.

Have you been insulted enough yet Graham?

Speaking of insults, I received the following rude message from Kevin Jerome the other day.

To Michael

Re your training bike { The Merlin }

I read your article in the news letter and thought it was time the truth was told It goes like this

One day I was out training with MUZZA going up the French Pass and he said to me it`s time I got rid of this heap of shit! Ive been to the moon and back on this thing.

SO HE SOLD IT TO BOB

Bob left it behind his car and backed over it and cracked the FRAME. so he super glued it up and sold it to proudlocks.

PROUDLOCKS sold it to KEVIN STUART.

KEV realised it was a heap of shit so he sold it to the next sucker

MY LIPS ARE SEALED!

HAPPY CYCLING MICHAEL

THE FOX

Kevin and Carol are from Tauranga and often come over to civilisation on their tandem. It is fortunate that I am not a vindictive sort and don't hold grudges for more than 5,000 years!

Speaking of accidents, we had another crash last Sunday. That's two in as many weeks. We all need to be vigilant in group rides and ride smoothly. If someone makes you nervous, let them know in a polite fashion. Here are a couple of tips on how to hold a polite conversation in the bunch (from the Shane Neil Guide to Polite Conversation):

1. "Hey, f*ck-knuckle, stop waltzing about"

2. "What are ya, spastic?"

3. "Listen d*ckhead, if you don't watch what you're doing, me and my bros are going to hunt you and your family down like the dogs you are."

I think by using such phrases you will help to restore order into the bunch as well as maintaining cordial relations. Remember politeness is the key.

Also on the news front, the Summer Race Series will be starting soon. The first race starts on Thursday 7 October at the Horsham Downs School, sign on from 5.30, racing starts at 6pm on the dot. Come along, bring your friends....oh, I'm sorry, if you're reading this you obviously have none.

Happy Cycling - roll on the decent weather

Michael