My Sick and Deluded Ramblings Resurrected

A couple of years ago I started emailing out a newsletter to the cycling community in Hamilton (New Zealand). I thought I would try the new technology and set up a blog site. The newsletters contained my sick and deluded ramblings. It was also both libellous and insulting, so if you're easily offended read no further.

To start with I'll post the old newsletters. Then I'll get moving on the next series.

Newsletter No 27 2/12/04

Well, Lake Taupo is over for another year and as with every year there were good stories and hard luck tales. Most people that I talked to had a good time despite the awful wind. So, here are a few noteworthy tales:

Bad Luck Story

Neal Fray crashed about 100m from the end when the guy in front of him clipped another guy's wheel and went down in front of him.


Tough Shit Tale

Sonnie Witana and Neal Fray were both disqualified for drafting behind a truck to catch another anonymous and talented (but modest) rider who had successfully dropped them on Hatepe Hill. It was such a shame to see such ungentlemanly conduct. Particularly since the rider, who is obviously a real gentleman who follows the highest moral and ethical code but wishes to remain anonymous, was clearly about to go to the front of the group and slow them down so Sonnie and Neal could catch up! Oh, ye of little faith!!

Maybe Neal's crash was due to the god's displeasure at his cheating tactics - of course Sonnie's punishment is obvious to anyone who sees him.


Thick as Pigshit Tale

Paul (Fiddler) Watene showed what a slow learner he was. After the debacle in the Rotorua ride a couple of weeks ago, couldn't resist fiddling with his bike again before Taupo with similar results. You may recall that the night before the Rotorua ride, Paul decided to adjust his seat post. Of course part way through the ride his post slipped and since he had also not taken any tools with him, he was forced to abandon the race. This time, thicko Paul decided to fiddle with his chain before the ride. Sure enough, about 65k into the ride his chain broke. Of course, he also didn't have a chain breaker on him, so he had a bit of a walk until some kind soul lent him one. This time he did manage to complete the ride. Now, the big question is, do you think Paul has learned anything from this?
I undertook an extensive research poll to discover what our readers thought and here are the results:

Question: Do you think that Paul has learned anything from the past two fun rides?

Answer:
No 58%
He works for the Railways, they're all thick there, absolutely not 65%
You must be bloody joking - he's even dumber than Kevin Stuart 34%
Of course he has learned he is a lovely bloke with lots of brains 1 person (Paul's wife)

Tight as a Fish's A*se Award

Goes to Kevin Stuart and Kerry Evans, both of whom were too tight to pay to enter the Taupo ride, despite owning bikes that together would pay off most of the Third World's debts. Apparently Kevin had a terrible ride and trying to climb off his bike at Kuratau. Some may think that could have been his guilty conscience, but those of us who know Kevin, know that is not possible.

Other Noteworthy Results

Didn't Geoff Burndred do well coming in second to Druggie Yates? Pity they let Yates enter. Ross Simmonds was telling me that he and another rider (I think it was Miles Watson, but I can't remember) were away for most of the race and only got caught on Hatepe Hill by Geoff and Jeremy. What a shame! Justin Kerr was also up there in the top ten with Miles and Ross at the finish, so well done to them.

Jack Swart also did pretty well to finish in 40th place and this time I didn't hear any stories about him clinging onto vehicles up hills, unlike his disgraceful behaviour in the K2!

Cliff Whittaker was thrilled to beat Garry Gallagher by two minutes. Peter McLean was gutted to cramp before Hatepe and got caught by our group on the other side of Hatepe. Amy Mosen put in a good effort to finish in the same time as Garry Gallgher and I think came in 1st in the Dwarves category.

Murray Russell rode his tandem with a much better class of stoker this time in Karl Moore (his last stoker, was hopeless - some poser, who should go to Auckland with the rest of the posers).

Dorette Prinsloo did a respectable 5:13 and Selwyn Kilpatrick managed not to fall off this time (unlike K2) and finished in 5:17.

Ryan Russell and Kris Withington managed to crash in the early part of the race, but both remounted and finished with the front group in a time of 4:28.

Onto other news. Some of you may be aware that both Kevin Stuart and Harry (Gollum) Donker have splashed out recently on new bikes. They are now proud owners of Merlin Magia's. Where does this place them in the top bike category, you ask? Close to the top, but they still haven't eclipsed Kerry Evan's Litespeed Vortex. As most of you know since being bought by Litespeed, Merlins are Litespeeds that failed the rigorous Litespeed quality control. So, they are rebadged and sold as Merlins. If you look closely at Kevin or Harry's bike, you may see the F for failed marker on the bottom bracket shell.

Finally, I would like to introduce you to our person of the week.

Yes, this week I would like to introduce you to Amy Mosen. Amy is a gutsy little rider (with emphasis on the little) who has helped to haul both Cliffy and my fat butts around the winter race circuit on more than one occasion. Some people who like to hide behind the safety of anonimity have nicknamed her the evil dwarf. Personally, I don't think we should make fun of people's shortcomings (if you'll excuse the pun). I mean you wouldn't hear me mocking Trevor Foley just because he comes from Taranaki. Nor would you catch me poking fun at Kevin Stuart because he was born with only one brain cell. I mean to say there are only a favoured few who are blessed with stunning good looks, talent and modesty like Grange, Harry and myself. The rest of you just have to make the best of a bad lot. Anyway, I digress.

Here is Amy on her new canary yellow steed. I recorded the following interview with Amy recently:

Me: Hello Amy, how are you today?

Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!

Me: So, you're not feeling too well then?

Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!

Me: Is there any truth in the rumours about your limited vocabulary?

Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!

Me: Do you think that being so short has helped you develop more of an affinity with crickets, because you can talk to them easier?

Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!

Me: At the moment you are studying at Wintec. Are you finding that your limited vocabulary is holding you back in any way.

Amy: Listen up, d*ckhead. I have no problem getting my point across to my lecturers. They know better than to mess with me and you better learn that quick smart too if you want to keep your ankles intact.

(At this point Amy started fingering a rather nasty stiletto knife in her belt)

Me: My profound apologies Amy, far be it for me to insult you in any way.

Amy: Well, get on with it what else do you want to know?

Me: What benefits have you found from being coached by Carl Paton?

Amy: Carl has helped me to really improve my performance on the bike and I am very grateful for his help, despite everything.

Me: Despite everything? Have you had a few problems with Carl?

Amy: No, not really...............well...................there is just one problem.....

Me: What is it? Come on, you can tell me. You know my lips are sealed. I'll hardly tell anyone else.

Amy: Well, my hearing does suffer a bit when he gets within 100m.

Me: So, do you have any other advice for the other riders?

Amy: F*ck you, *rsehole!

Me: Thank you Amy. I'm sure everyone will take a lot out of that sage advice.


On that note, I will sign off. Hopefully, the warm weather and sunshine will return soon.
Michael

Newsletter No 26 11/11/04

OK, I've collected enough dirt to put together another newsletter.

So, the Nationals are over, as is the Tour of Southland. I think we did OK in the Nationals.

Justin Kerr came second in the Elite Men's race. Ryan Russell came in 10th place. Ross Simmonds was unlucky to puncture and after a slow wheel change was unable to get back into the race, finishing in 29th place.

In the Senior Women's race Amy Mosen came in 17th place (she was racing for Akarana - I think she joined them because they offer discounts for dwarves). Karen Fulton DNF'd. I don't know what happened to Karen. But we could speculate - she punctured, she crashed, a dog ran out and bit her on the bum, she saw Bob Puru on the road and fell off in horror - I don't know, but my warped and twisted mind could come up with any story.

Miles Watson came in 10th in the U19.

Blyth Andrews came in 24th in the Vet 2 Men.

Bob Puru came in 9th and Cliff Whittaker came in 11th in the Vet 3 Men's race and Murray Russell got 12th place in the Vet 4 Men's race.

The Tour of Southland also seemed to go well for our guys - Ryan, Ross, Glen all featured prominently,. I don't too many tales from those guys - yet.

Plenty of riders had a go at the K2 as well. We had a few offs as well, unfortunately. Selwyn Kirkpatrick decided to eat tar after about 15kms into the ride. Kerry Evans hit the road, as did Rod Carpenter. I know Kerry lost a bit of skin, but fortunately his bike is fine. I'm not sure how Rod fared - I hear that he broke an elbow - but I'm not sure. I also saw a very flattering photo of Kevin Stuart riding with his best mate 'Mudflap'. However, I couldn't find either Kevin or Garry Gallagher's name on the results list. It turns out that both tight a*ses snuck in for free. They deserve to go into the Hall of Shame - they can afford to spend thousands on their bikes, but they're too tight to shell out $65 for a 200km ride! Of course, Kevin may have an excuse - if he had to count out the money for the entry fee, he still be there at the end of the race counting - 'duh let me see...one dollar..............................two dollars..............what comes after two? Oh yeah, three dollar .................................................' it would have been a pretty painful experience.
*Kevin and Mudflap riding rather closely together. Kevin insists they are just good friends.*

However, I think the Hall of Shame accolade (if that is what you call the worst offender) should be reserved for our own Jack Swart! Yes, El Presidente, decided that he'd cling to a car to get him up the hills!! So spare a thought for old Jack and next time you're out with him offer him a push up the hills, it sounds like he needs it.
*Jack, looking fresh a couple of weeks before his ride (or should it be tow) around K2.

*A few of us also had a go at the ride around Lake Rotorua last week. Jack was there, fresh from his exploits in K2 the previous week (know we all know why his legs were fresh). Sonnie Witana, Paul Watene, Neil Fray and yours truly, to name a few. It was a good ride in many ways. The start was a bit twisty, but the course was good and most riders were very well behaved. Jack came in third in the Masters section. Sonnie and Neil also did pretty well. Paul Watene had a mechanical with his seat post and pulled out in lap two. Paul made a few fundamental errors; firstly he fiddled with his bike the night before, secondly
he didn't take a tool kit and third, and most importantly, he left his bike with Sonnie just before the race started - big mistake Paul. Remember the ancient saying, 'never trust a Witana'. Sonnie also won a watch - now all he has to do is learn to tell the time.

Some of you may be familiar with the law of Karma, which can be described as 'what comes around, goes around'. Well here is an example; a few weeks ago Kerry Evans disqualified C Grade because quite a few of them were riding on the wrong side of the road at the sprint finish. I thought it was a bit tough, particularly since I was coming third in the sprint and we were all riding on the right side of the road - but, I thought fair enough - it's only a club race and it doesn't hurt to remind riders of their obligations on the road. Well this week, who should get DQ'd but our good friend Kerry Evans for riding on the wrong side of the road during the A Grade sprint. Should we have a moment's silence to express sympathy for Kerry? Yeah, right!
*Here is Kerry a couple of Sundays ago, before he experienced the ignominy of disqualification. Behind Kerry is Selwyn Kirkpatrick, who bit the tarmac on K2.

*Sonnie Witana seems to be hitting his straps now - he is even managing to give Eric the crippled slug a run for his money up the hills now. He came in second in B Grade tonight, just behind Bob Puru and ahead of Garry Gallagher - who incidently paid to race this time!

Spare a thought for poor old Bob Puru, who managed to drive his bike into (and I mean, into) the garage about a month ago. This Tuesday his beloved 'Trik' fixed wheel bike was nicked outside his work as he went into his office to grab his bag. He reckons he was only away from it for a couple of minutes, but when he returned it was gone, he searched the streets to no avail and we suspect someone put it into a vehicle. Being a fixed wheel it would have been a challenge to ride for the majority (even Bob has trouble with it). I hope he gets it back, because he was pretty upset when he rang me the other morning - so if you see anything contact Bob.


STOLEN

8pm from Carspot, Lake Road, 9^th November 2004


Bob’s fixed wheel “Trik” Bike

Have you seen it anywhere – if so please contact urgently

Bob on: 07-247 0511 (work)

027-2460021 (mobile)

07-853 9800 (home evenings)

· Custom Built Frame, carbon front fork

· Colour Blue, chrome rear end with Red and White Trik decals

· Single Speed

· Carbon Cranks

· Campagnolo Carbon Brake Levers

· Bontrager Wheels

· Selle Italia Flite Gel Saddle

· Carbon drink bottle holders

· Sigma Pulse metre on handlebars

· Bum Bag and rear red light

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also on the tough break front an unnamed source revealed that poor old Harry 'Gollum' Donker nailed both tyres riding over a hedgehog on Tuesday night. Apparently, he had just fixed his rear tyre when the front tyre gave up the ghost. "That is midly amusing", I told Bob (oops, I mean my anonymous source). "Yes, but the intriguing bit is how he managed to get two of the hedghog's prickles embedded in his foreskin." Believe it....or not! Don't think about it too hard, it'll only put you off your food.

Well I've run out of steam at the moment, but I'll be back soon with another instalment for you.

In the meantime good riding.
Michael

Newsletter No 25 8/10/04

Wasn't last weekend a cracker? That was a great way to start daylight savings. Pity this week has reverted to the usual rubbish weather so far.

First up, I've had a bit of correspondence from a couple of readers. Graham Dudfield felt strongly enough about his areobars to offer the following defence of his appalling taste:

<> "Those Aerobars are made out of old zimmer Frames.They are very comfortable and popular with the older cyclists"
As Blyth Andrews would say, "Comfort isn't as important as looking good"

Shane Bullivant also put up a stirling defense of his bike cleaner, Kevin Stuart.

"Yes I have to confess, Kevin Stuart has done his magic once again and transformed my Eddie back to something to be proud of! (and why you won't see me riding in the rain any more).

However in his defense people must understand that Kevin's need to restore such fine machinery back to it's former glory comes from a genuine appreciation and understanding of mechanical artistry. If anyone needs to know about the newest, lightest, fastest, strongest or all things technical when it comes to racing bikes then he is the guru. So, no need for stand over tactics. blackmail or under the table payment, Kevin's yearly offer to clean the ol' EM is simply something he has no control over (and nothing to do with seeing one of his X's being abused).

Shane (shiney bike) Bullivant"

Doesn't it warm the cockles of your heart to read such loyalty? That Kevin Stuart must be a great guy to inspire such emotions (by now Kevin will be getting really worried, knowing how completely out of character any praise from me is, he will be suspiciously waiting for the inevitable dagger in the back from yours truly).

On our way back from the Sunday ride, our little group decided we'd go by the Morrinsville Club ride around Taharoa Rd. By the time we got there (just after 1 pm) the race was well and truly underway. A Grade looked to still be together in a single bunch, B Grade had a main bunch, but had obviously shelled out a few, we saw Taranaki Trevor Foley, Beautiful Blyth Andrews in a couple of smaller bunches behind and although I didn't see him, I heard the Donkey Boy Bob Puru was also in one of the shelled out groups. We came across C Grade at the top of Scotsman's Valley and they looked to still be together in a good sized bunch. I heard later the our own Cliff Whittaker came second in the race on Saturday and won the C Grade on Sunday. What a guy! He's on a roll!

Commiserations to Donkey Bob though, on Monday I received the following anonymous tip off:
Hi

A little birdy told me that Donkey Growth Hormone man has driven his Madone into the garage whilst on top of his car and completely trashed his fork and seatpost!

I suggest the intrepid news-hound gets down to said DGH's mechanic and gets megpixels for the next edition.

From an extremely anonymous source.
(thanks for that Tanya - oops, was I supposed to keep that quiet?)

What a way to cap off a day! I would hazard a guess and say that Bob would not have been a happy man - b*gger!








Claire Bear also sent me the following pic with the rather obvious title of Pee Time!

On the club news side of things the club is organising a junior/beginner ride every Saturday until Christmas starting at the Dey St track at 10.30 am.

The ride will be 30-50kms and all junior cyclists, their parent(s) and anyone wanting to 'give it a go' are invited along.
For further details ring:

Kerry (849-6578 ah) or Grange (847-5744 daytime)
That'll do for now - have a good week and if you want good weather I suggest a human sacrifice would be in order. Fortunately, Sonnie Witana has offered himself (or more accurately, his dear wife Juliet has sold him for 50c) for this purpose.

Michael

Newsletter No 24 30/09/04

Daylight savings starts this weekend!! Yipee, we can get rid of the lights and maybe the leg warmers, arm warmers and layers and layers of clothing soon (if we ever get some decent weather).

Thursday night racing starts next week. Same place (Horsham Downs Hall), slightly earlier time (6pm race start). So, get there by 5:45 at the latest to sign on. Kevin Stuart, I know you aren't sure what day the Thursday night racing is on, so I'll give you a clue. It is just after Wednesday and just before Friday.

TA are starting their Tuesday night racing next week too, so I expect a group will be riding over there to try to raise the IQ level in TA for a few hours (I mean, they've got Graeme Bunn, Richard Mellsop and Bob Puru - their collective IQ just barely breaks the two digit barrier).

Speaking of our Bob, I heard that Cliff Whittaker kicked his butt big time last weekend in the Round the Mountain Race. Our Cliff was on fire and came in second! Way to go Cliffy! Now he has worked out how to pin his ears back out of the way, his new aerodynamic form is blasting the opposition into the weeds. Has Cliff has worked out a way to counteract Bob's special Donkey Growth Hormone, or did Bob take too much DGH and find that he couldn't fit his hooves into his shoes anymore? I understand that Taranaki Trevor Foley also finished behind Cliff. I suppose Trev would be gutted about that, particularly since it was his former stomping ground.

Bev May has a two day race meet over in Morrinsville this weekend. So, I expect Bob will get a chance to get his revenge on Cliff.

Kerry Evans is on a roll. Instead of buying a new lounge suite, he shelled out the equivalent of half the suite on a new training bike. Kerry being a true aficianado of quality bikes bought a Litespeed. It wasn't the real classy titanium frame, but an aluminium and carbon frame. Still, the Litespeed tag lent it an air of cool sophistication and class that you don't get with the common or garden variety Merlins. Kerry also seems to be trying to take over from Blyth Andrews in the fashion stakes. Last Sunday he was wearing a very cool blue outfit that would have sent Blyth into an envious rage.

You may recall that Graham Dudfield complained about not being insulted enough the other week. Last Sunday I saw Graham in the fast sunday bunch and I would encourage all of you to line up to point out to Graham that he has the ugliest aero bars in world on his bike! I mean these things are uglier than Trevor's first cousin, Gregory the Ugly Goat. I think someone should take them out the back and shoot them to put them out of their misery (they could shoot Graham too for having such poor taste). Aero bars are not the prettiest of things at the best of times. That is why triathletes use them. As you know, triathletes are a sad, deranged bunch of misanthropes and masochists, who don't know any better. But we should be kind to them and only laugh politely as we wait for them to struggle up hills.

Finally, I also heard that Kevin Stuart has been working on Shane Bullivant's bike. How do I know this, you ask? Because it has had it's annual clean. Shane rides a red Eddy Merckx. Now most of you wouldn't know that because for the majority of it's life the colour and make have been hidden beneath a solid film of dirt, grease and dried worms. If you come along to the Sunday bunch you may get a rare chance to see Shane's bike as it should look, before it once more sinks beneath layers of filth once more.

Good Cycling

Michael

Newsletter No 23 23/09/04

This will be a vey short newsletter. I've been laid low for the past few days with the lurgy and the weather has been rubbish anyway.

Most of you would have received the email with the terrible news about Andrew Smith. Some of you would have known Andrew. To those who didn't know him, Andrew was a very promising young cyclist who was around for a few years in the mid to late 90's. I rode with him quite a few times and found him to be a very pleasant young man. Graeme Bunn coached Andrew and was impressed by his determination and ability to push himself to the limit.

I am sorry I missed the funeral on Wednesday, but I heard that Ron spoke very eloquently.

Ron and family, I am sure I speak for everyone when I express my condolences for your terrible loss.

Regards

Michael

Newsletter No 22 16/09/04

So, we have a few more champions following the World....sorry Waikato Road Champs last Saturday. Here are the people on this newsletter list who did well.

Ross Simmons won the Elite Men with Justin Kerr in second place

Bob Puru won Vet 3 men and Cliff Whittaker in second place

Jack Swart won Vet 4 men with Chris Johnson in 2nd and Graham Dudfield in 3rd

Marguerite ritchie came in 2nd to Sally Fraser in the Vet Women

Gollum won Vet 6

Karen Fulton won Elite Women with Vickie Burr in 3rd place

Dee Prinsloo came in 3rd in the U19 women

Didn't Bob Puru do well? He is now a champion and so he should be with all his training. But that donkey growth hormone has had a terrible effect. Look at the before and after photos. The first photo shows Bob earlier this year before the DGH had taken effect, the second photo shows him now.
Be warned readers this is what drugs will do to you. Is a gold medal worth it?

I managed to catch up with Bob after his historic victory. It took some time to get through his press agent and past the bodyguards, but I went through it all so you, my readers could listen to the words of a champion.

ME: Bob congratulations on your victory.

BOB: Hee haw....oops. It was nothing really, just a combination of raw talent moulded by hard training and tactical brillance into a winning package of spectacular achievement, but I try to stay modest about my own talent and wit. I suppose you've noticed how good looking I am?

ME: Well, um...I think....maybe the fur and the ears could be a bit off putting to some. Anyway, how does it feel to be a champion?

BOB: Great, of course it has always been my destiny. If I had not been robbed by some blind judges I'm sure I could have taken the crown off Sarah Ulmer in Melbourne.

ME: There was the small matter of you not being as fast as Sarah and being the wrong sex.

BOB: Yeah, but besides that I was clearly the winner.

ME: So what is next after this victory.

BOB: Well, I think probably a world tour will be in order so I can be mobbed by my adoring fans. After that I will probably continue dominating the local racing scene for years to come...in my own modest, quiet way.

ME: Is there any truth in the rumours circulating about your dependence on Donkey Growth Hormone for your success?

BOB: Absolutely not. What a load of nonsense. I don't know who could be circulating those scurrilous rumors.

ME: Well your ears do seem a trifle long and furry.

BOB: Ears, what (at this point Bob starting trying to stuff his ears back into his helmet) ears? Oh these ears......they have nothing to do with drugs, I inherited them from my mother, Doris. Anyway, if that was the case then Cliff Whittaker must be taking elephant Growth Hormone. Look at his ears, they could hardly get the medal over his head at the victory ceremony! At least mine flatten!

At this point I was summarily ejected by one of Bob bodyguards and threatened in quite a rude and terrible manner.

I also managed to briefly talk to Graham Dudfield. You may recall Graham as the cyclist who was insulted that he hadn't been insulted. If you don't know who Graham is I have attached a photo. This will allow you to identify and avoid him.

Graham was worried that he may not be ugly enough, but as you can see that is clearly not the case. To be fair Graham is not as ugly as Trevor Foley. But Trevor has had generations of inbreeding to perfect that gargoyle like ugliness that few reach. No, Graham's looks have been honed from a particularly brutal beating from an irate ram following Graham's attempts at seducing his partner, Nelly one cold winter's day along the Waingaro Rd. Graham is often seen glued to Marguerite Ritchie's wheel ( I guess that proves the old adage that runners stick together) and this is a tribute to his bike handling skills as Marguerite has been known to be slightly erratic at times. Dean Peterken once told me that following Marguerite was like trying to follow a mad cow's p*ss - believe it...or not.

Have you been insulted enough yet Graham?

Speaking of insults, I received the following rude message from Kevin Jerome the other day.

To Michael

Re your training bike { The Merlin }

I read your article in the news letter and thought it was time the truth was told It goes like this

One day I was out training with MUZZA going up the French Pass and he said to me it`s time I got rid of this heap of shit! Ive been to the moon and back on this thing.

SO HE SOLD IT TO BOB

Bob left it behind his car and backed over it and cracked the FRAME. so he super glued it up and sold it to proudlocks.

PROUDLOCKS sold it to KEVIN STUART.

KEV realised it was a heap of shit so he sold it to the next sucker

MY LIPS ARE SEALED!

HAPPY CYCLING MICHAEL

THE FOX

Kevin and Carol are from Tauranga and often come over to civilisation on their tandem. It is fortunate that I am not a vindictive sort and don't hold grudges for more than 5,000 years!

Speaking of accidents, we had another crash last Sunday. That's two in as many weeks. We all need to be vigilant in group rides and ride smoothly. If someone makes you nervous, let them know in a polite fashion. Here are a couple of tips on how to hold a polite conversation in the bunch (from the Shane Neil Guide to Polite Conversation):

1. "Hey, f*ck-knuckle, stop waltzing about"

2. "What are ya, spastic?"

3. "Listen d*ckhead, if you don't watch what you're doing, me and my bros are going to hunt you and your family down like the dogs you are."

I think by using such phrases you will help to restore order into the bunch as well as maintaining cordial relations. Remember politeness is the key.

Also on the news front, the Summer Race Series will be starting soon. The first race starts on Thursday 7 October at the Horsham Downs School, sign on from 5.30, racing starts at 6pm on the dot. Come along, bring your friends....oh, I'm sorry, if you're reading this you obviously have none.

Happy Cycling - roll on the decent weather

Michael

Newsletter No 21 9/09/04

21 today....21 today! How time flies when you're having fun. Spring is here, soon daylight savings will kick in and we can put our lights away for a few months...yippee.

And what a busy week we had this week. On Saturday we had the Centre Time Trial and the club had some good results. Ross Simmonds won the Open section with Justin Kerr coming in third behind Geoff Burndred. Rod Carpenter came third in Vet 1, Blyth Andrews won Vet 2, Jack Swart came third in Vet 4 (but won Vet 3 - more on that later), Harry (Gollum) Donker won Vet 6 and Marguerite Ritchie won Vet 2 women. Well done everyone.

Back to Jack. Poor Jack, he might be stomping on the pedals big time, but his brain is going the way of Kevin Stuart - out the door. Apparently, Jack can't remember his age. He managed to ride the time trial as a Vet 3 rider and cleaned up in that category. Unfortunately, he is in fact a Vet 4 rider and only managed a third behind Chris (outboard) Johnson. Rumour has it that Jack has enrolled in the local preschool and as long as he takes his shoes off and uses his toes he can now count up to twenty almost unaided.

Our own Claire (Bear) Brazell also competed in the Waikato University women's rowing team that comprehensively beat the Melbourne University team. Claire also fronted to the Masquerade Ball on that night and looked like she was having a really great time. Claire claims she was behaving herself - but I'm not too sure about that. I also bumped into our own champion trackie, Blyth Andrews. Blyth looked very attractive in a little black number that showed off his clean-shaven, chiseled legs to their full advantage. The effect was slightly spoiled by the horrific gargoyle mask Blyth chose to wear. It looked terrible and had more than a few guests reaching for the nearest bucket when they spotted him. There was a rumour going around that, in fact, Blyth was not wearing a mask, he looked like that normally. And I did come across one of our local plastic surgeons, handing his card to Blyth and promising to fix up that last botched face lift and tummy tuck. Lesley, Blyth's partner looked radiant as usual, but I'm afraid Blyth suffered in comparison. but we must all remember, that it is not really Blyth's fault, he wasn't born completely ugly, it was just that prolonged exposure to trevor foley that twisted him so much.

On Sunday morning, Debbie Ardern decided that riding her bike wasn't very exciting and managed to get up close and personal with the tarmac on Waingaro Rd. Lucky she is short as being so close to the road already meant she had less distance to fall, so she only picked up a few scratches and gamely carried on with the ride.

Stephen Cox's race (it is officially called a fun ride - as if anyone believes that) produced more good results for the club. Ross Simmonds (HCCC) won, with Geoff Burndred second and our own Justin Kerr came in a creditable third. Surprisingly both Jack and Scott Ardern were dropped on the first climb!

I must also mention that that evil cyclist Kevin Stuart claimed more victims on Sunday by taking Garry Gallagher and a couple of other poor saps around the Wharepapa South ride. Kevin is the only cyclist who can turn a 140-150 km loop into a 170 km loop by the judicious use of 'short cuts' - be warned he is not trustworthy. Garry Gallagher also deserves the mentioning as a particularly sad example of cyclist stupidity - despite being caught out more than a few times, you would think he would learn - but oh no, he still gets sucked in. By the way the forecast change in wind direction did not happen, so Kevin and his not-so Merry Men had to grovel home in a head wind.

I also received the following email from Graeme Dudfield:

Dear Hammy Hamster ( Felicity Ferret's cousin)

I wasn't going to say any thing but I have to.

For weeks now you have been insulting most member's of the Hamilton City Cycling club ( and fine upstanding people they are)

and as yet I haven't even been worthy of a mention.

What is the problem.

Am I not ugly enough.?

Is my bike too clean?

My ears too little?

Am I to quite?

Too Tall.

I could go on and on.

I have never been so un-insulted in my life.

What do I have to do?

Please let me know.

I yearn to get a mention in your dispatches.

Yours Truly Un-insulted

Duddy

PS I used to own a Bertin - Does that qualify?

Poor Graeme, don't worry I'll get to you. But I am pleased that I did manage to insult you by not mentioning you. This could be quite a good strategy - if I don't mention people they are insulted and if I do mention them they are also insulted. So Graeme, I will see what I can do. In the meantime Graeme, you need to do something really stupid - riding behind mad Marguerite Ritchie probably qualifies.

Who else could I insult by not mentioning them? Hmmm, how about Bevan Bell or Roger Leaf

On Tuesday was also had a small crash. Early into the ride Andrew Wells came down. A few of us stopped to help him out and see he was alright. You would have thought that Dee Prinsloo, would have been there for her beloved, but oh no, Dee carried on riding. I understand she may have been heard to say, "If he's any good he'll get back on". That is one tough woman!

Anyway, enough for this week, I need to get my beauty sleep (you may find it hard to believe, but I need a lot of beauty sleep). So I'll see you guys around.

Michael

Newsletter No 20 2/09/04

This is some sort of milestone...20 newsletters. So, I thought I would start by apologising to everyone who I may have inadvertedly insulted.

I would like to apologise to Sonnie Witana for in any way implying that he was slow up hills.

I would like to apologise to Kevin Stuart for suggesting that he had only one brain cell

I would like to apologise to Bob Puru for any hurt he may have sustained by me associating him with Donkey Growth Hormone

I would like to apologise to Garry Gallagher for calling him a halfwit

I would like to apologise to Amy Mosen for suggesting she resembled a dwarf

I would like to apologise to Jack Swart for calling him a complete and utter b*stard

I would like to apologise to Roger Leaf for calling him a sneaky, underhand, totally untrustworthy person

I would like to apologise to Dave Chandler for suggesting he is anything other than an upright citizen

I would like to apologise to Kerry O'Keefe for casting aspersions on his relationship with Doris the Goat

I would like to apologise to Blyth Andrews and Trevor Foley for suggesting that their affectionate relationship was in any way unhealthy

I would like to apologise to Shane Bullivant for insulting his bike cleanliness habits

I would like to apologise to Cliff Whittaker and Murray Russell for insulting their ears.

I would like to apologise to Carl Paton for calling him 'Foghorn'

I would like to apologise to Harry Donker for calling him Gollum

I would like to apologise to Shane Neil for calling him a grumpy b*stard

I would like to apologise to John Badger for mocking his technical incompetence

I would like to apologise to Kemble Pudney for laughing at his tight *rse ways with a bicycle tube

And if I have miised you out here I would like to apologise for any hurt I may have caused.

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NOT!!!

If any of you thought for one second that those apologies were genuine then you are even more stupid than you look.

My guess is that you fell into one of three categories of thought while you were reading the rubbish I wrote above.

1. Those who thought, "Gee, Michael must have really turned a new leaf and is genuinely sorry"

This camp I call the insanely optimistic school. Since you are all cyclists and therefore incapable of any of the higher emotions, I suggest that the people in this category would be fairly small.

2. Those who thought "What is he up to? I can't believe Michael has any sincerity at all."

This should be the bulk of you, who know that I cannot be trusted one iota.

3. Those who thought, "Duh"

This category is confined to Kevin Stuart who's only remaining brain cell is still trying to digest the first sentence I wrote.

Speaking of Kevin Stuart, I have in my possesion the application for refugee status that his brain cell has filed with the Department of Immigration. Here is a sample:

NAME: Brain Cell

COUNTRY OF ORIGIN: Kevin Stuart

PLEASE STATE YOUR REASONS FOR SEEKING REFUGEE STATUS:

I am Kevin Stuart's last remaining brain cell. He has killed all my brothers and sisters off through a steady diet of insanely long bike rides with Bruce Love. Every ride he took with Bruce would kill off hundreds of my siblings as we had to listen to Bruce Love drone on and on and on about how he remembered meeting a tractor up this road in 1845, and how 25 people turned up to the Dey St ride on the third Sunday in September 1991. It can only be described as torture. I am the only survivor and I would like to have the opportunity to live the rest of my days out in a brain that appreciates me. I know Kevin will not miss me as he hasn't used me for years.

Now for some more news. Our teams did really well in the 40K Team Time Trial last Saturday at Te Aroha. Our A Team consisting of Jack (Off) Swart, Justin Kerr, Ryan Russell and Ross Simmonds came first in a blistering 54 minutes and our B Team with Blyth Andrews, Trevor Foley and Kerry Evans came second in the Masters Section with a time of 56 minutes (I think). Way to go boys!

I also heard that Jack came second in the first of Stephen Cox's races. I'm not sure of the other placings, so if someone lets me know, I'll put it on the website.I think Scott Ardern was up there too. bob Puru was in the second group and is swearing that he'll dust Jack this week.

Jack is stomping at the moment. He came second in the Master section of the Tahiti tour and Rod Carpinter came first, what a great effort. More importantly our team came first in the Open section of that tour. I can't remember everyone who went, but I'm sure ross Simmonds went and I think Justin may have gone as well.

On the romantic side, I heard that Dorette (Dee) Prinsloo was taken to the St John's School Ball last Saturday by one Andrew Wells. Apparently, he picked her up in a limo or a Caddilac - very romantic. Amy Mosen is trying to get the photos, but Dee is surprisingly reluctant to hand them over.

Peter McLean has also returned from a tour to the Tour de France. He said it was great being there. They rode up all the climbs, plus Mount Ventoux, only slightly slower than Lance.

Debbie Ardern turned up to the Sunday ride sporting a very flash L'Alp D'Huez outfit. Very stylie! I think Blyth was jealous at someone dressing with more style than his efforts. I didn't see any pictures of Scotty climbing. Debbie didn't like to say, but I think she dusted him. I think he was so slow the had turned the cameras off and all gone home by the time he got there. Debbie is very loyal, but Scotty we all know you've reached 35 and it's all downhill from there - look at me, better still, look at Sonnie. Sad shadows of our former selves.

Speaking of sad shadows, that ingrate Trevor Foley started poking the borax at yours truly this week by suggesting that my jacket was rather tight around me and perhaps I was carrying some excess weight. What a cheek, Foley, you inbred son of a donkey called Derek. This weight is merely part of my cunning training strategy. It's called the Ullrich Plan. I've followed this plan to the letter. It says that you need to put on lots of weight in the winter and work to get it off in the summer so you peak just at the right time to catch everyone else off guard. It worked for Jan, didn't it? Well OK, I will concede that it didn't work out quite that way for Jan.........but it would have if it wasn't for a few riders who were slightly faster.

In the sad tales, but true category is our friend Cliff Whittaker. Cliffy, as some of you know, is training really hard for the Nationals. but I think he may be getting a bit carried away. Today, he got his legs waxed - ouch. It took the poor woman two and a half hours! Small wonder when you see those tree stumps Cliff calls legs. I understand that the lady doing the waxing had to put out a special call for more wax and cotton strips. So, be warned ladies if you have a waxing appointment over the next couple of days, they may run out. Murray Russell is booked in next. I heard that Bob Puru tried to also make an appointment, but was turned away because beauticians only work on humans, not gorillas!

Finally, I must share the following email from Claire (Bear) Brazell. She is looking for a house, so if you have any offers, her email address is: brazell@waikato.ac.nz. As you can see, Claire has some taste and has already anticipated one offer from one of our more unsavoury members. Good one Claire!

Hey Hey Mikey

I am loving this email it has brightened up my day!

hey could you do me a favour and email everyone saying I am still homeless! and looking for somewhere to live, and no before you offer I don't want to live in Garry Gallagher's wardrobe with his blow up dolls Sharon and Tracey!

have a great weekend

Claire Bear

Anyway, have a great week and remember the cyclist's motto; never give a sucker, an even break!

Michael

P.S. Robyn Puru is organising a slower ride every Sunday leaving Cycletime at 9am. If the other two groups are too fast for you, go along to Robyn's ride. She'll look after you (I can't understand how such a lovely lady puts up with that terrible Bob Puru).

Newsletter No 19 26/08/04

News Flash! Innocent Bike attacked by Evildoers

Yes it is true readers, the poor innocent bike you see below that had just been wrestled out of an abusive home has been set upon by a bunch of vandals.
Settle down and read on as I tell this sad tale. Last week I came into possession of a training bike. I had been semi-interested in getting another bike to ride during the crappy winter months. I was looking of a second rate frame and gear to ride around on, one where it didn't matter too much if it got mud and crap over it.

Late last week, Kevin (One Brain Cell) Stuart rang me with an offer I couldn't refuse (most of the offers Kevin makes to people are rather grubby and very easy to refuse, so this was an exception). He had an old second hand bike that was my size. Over I drive to have a look and there is a Merlin RSR with Shimano Dura Ace. Hmm, I think, second rate frame - good for training I'll take it. Kevin then explained its pedigree, it was an ex-Bob Puru bike (one of thousands that have passed through his hands). That explained it's rather sad and haunted look, the look of a dog who has been badly treated by it's owner.

The first thing we did was remove the seat (no one wants to be that close to Bob, not even Robyn). The counselling to remove the effects of Bob the Terrible took a bit of time as we heard the tales of cruelty and abuse that would make even Roger Leaf shudder (and that takes some doing, I can tell you). Tales of early morning rides in appalling weather. Day after day with Bob wrestling on its handlebars as he trained for the Te Awamutu C Grade winter races. Dealing with the side effects of Bob's secret drugs programme (apparently, Donkey Growth Hormone injections gives you terrible flatulence). These were tales that even had Kevin Stuart's remaining brain cell reconsidering it's application for refugeee status, as it learned that there are worse places than Kevin's brain.

Anyway, after some counselling to remove the worse effects of its abuse and a few adjustments I had a rather nice training bike that fitted me well. I took it on a couple of rides and it performed rather well (can't say the same about the rider). I had to settle it down a couple of times when we came near Bob (it brought back bad memories), but other than that it went fine. After a ride on Tuesday night, I left it in Proudlock's for a bit of tuning on the rear wheel. Little did I realise that evil Garry Gallagher, Kevin Stuart and Grange Leaman (among others) would set upon my poor bike and desecrate it. So, you can see the evidence before you. I guess my poor training bike will need even more counselling now!

PS. It turns out that this was Murray Russell's bike before Bob bought it. I'm not sure whether this is a good or bad thing. at least it doesn't seem to wobble down hills like Murray's current bike.

Aqnyway, that's it for this week. I'm too shaken to write any more. Except to let you know that the Saturday races are still on.

Oh, and to let you know that there is a picture of Debbie Ardern riding Alp D'Huez have a look at www.photobreton.com search for:TF4B1384. There are a couple of good photos of our Debs riding. Well done Debbie, but where was Scott? Did you kick his butt?

And one last thing, Amy Mosen (remember her, small dwarf-like person) told me in strictest confidence that Dee Prinsloo (one of Amy's proteges) is cuddling up to another cyclist by the name of Andrew Wells. Amy only told me on the condition that I barely mentioned it to hardly anyone on the newsletter, so I'm sure I can trust you. As you know, I have a policy of not commenting on fellow cyclist's relationships. I've hardly said anything about Trevor and Blyth's unnatural relationship or about Kerry O'Keefe's attraction to goats or even Dave Chandler's strange and distasteful obsession with Sally the Sheep. So, I shall say no more .................................... except I trust you will wish Dee and Andrew all the best.

Oops, one final thing. I understand we have a couple of teams entered into the team time trial on Saturday. I think the A Team is Jack Swart, Justin Kerr, Ross Simmonds and one other and the B Team is Trevor Foley, Blyth Andrews, Kerry Evans and someone else, whom I also can't remember. Anyway good luck to you guys. Grange and I are gutted that we missed out on the teams - not!

See you around.

Michael

Newsletter No 18 19/08/04

Hello there fellow cyclists. I'm back from my travels. I must say even though the weather in Europe and the US was a lot warmer, there is still no place like home. Three weeks of airlines and hotels is not my idea of fun. Cycling wise I saw some cyclists on the road in France. I was two hours away from L'Alpe D'Huez. I just missed seeing Jan Ullrich race in Graz (in Austria) and I was glad I didn't live in Chicago cause the roads I was driving on were not rider friendly.

This will be very short as I've been out of the loop with many of the goings on so I have only a few things to report.

I understand that Kerry Evans has lept to the top of the best bike stakes by upgrading his Litespeed Vortex from a Dura Ace groupset to Campag Carbon Record 10. That knocks Kevin Stuart off his perch (and not before time, I say) and down into second place with his Carbon Record Merlin (training bike frames can't compete with Litespeed racing frames).

I was also disappointed to find that Garry Gallagher had lowered the bike fashion stakes by purchasing an Atmos helmet and cap in the USPS colour. Sad Garry, sad. Just because Lance won the Tour again, there's no reason to try to suck up to him. Kevin and I were riding behind him on Thursday night and we could have sworn we saw Lance's head wedged up his a*se. We were also amused to read the following in small letters at the back of his helmet: "This helmet belongs to a f*ckwit". Have a look yourself next time.

Other than that not much seems to have changed. Kevin Stuart still has one brain cell (although, I have heard that it is applying for refugee status). Cliff Whittaker's ears still stick out. Harry Donker is still as ugly as ever. Grange Leaman is still a b*stard. And John Badger is still trying to log into his email. Bob Puru is still rude and obnoxious to me (I cannot think what I have done to deserve that sort of treatment).

I still haven't caught up with lots of people so you'll need to update me. Is Trevor Foley still a retard? Is Shane Neil still a grumpy b*stard. Has Jack Swart returned from Tahiti and if so, how did he do? Can Sonnie Witana ride up hills faster than Eric the crippled slug yet? Is Amy Mosen still a dwarf? Is Blyth Andrews still a trackie or has he seen the error of his ways? Are Debbie and Scott Ardern still riding? Has Shane Bullivant cleaned his bike yet (since it has been less than a year since the last clean, I think the answer to that is self evident)? If I have left you off the list of insults please email me, I aim to please. If there is someone that needs to be exposed don't forget to let me know.

I understand the Saturday races are still on. I would like to thank Grange Leaman for volunteering my services for handicapping this Saturday. Thanks Grange, remember to watch your back when you are going down dark alleys! Stephen Cox is also organising some races around the Waikato starting next weekend. Have a look on the website for more details. Be aware, Stephen Cox is a sadist. His courses are evil and his prizes are usually consist of rubbish that he couldn't give away to the local Woman's Refuge. Other than that they are well organised races and of course we all live by the Olympic motto; "It is not important whether you win or lose, but how you play the game".

I suppose most of you will be glued to the TV watching the Druglympics. At the moment I think the medal count is fairly even between EPO and HGH. Although, I have heard rumours that Bob Puru has been trying to pedal his special blend of Donkey Growth Hormone. Unfortunately, his selling line of; "Buy DGH, it will do for you what it did for me", is failing to be as inspirational as he first thought. I also noticed that the crowds at Athens are about as big as the crowds that watched Blyth win his gold medal earlier this year.

Have a good week.

Michael

Newsletter No 17 15/07/04

Snot everywhere! I don't know where it all comes from, but this damned cold has kept me off the bike again this week. So, I've missed the second Sunday ride in nice weather.

Last Sunday the weather looked lovely. I heard that Kevin Stuart suckered two fools off on one of his 'short' rides. One of them was Garry Gallagher, who can't have too many more brain cells than Kevin, because he should know better by now. Garry told me in a surprised voice, "Kevin kept on saying, "This way is shorter", but we kept on hitting all these hills."

Well duuuh Garry, this is Kevin 'Can't Lie Straight in Bed' Stuart we're talking about.

I have been watching the Tour, but it hasn't really started to get interesting yet. Some nasty crashes, though. Did you see the one with the dog? I have a lot of sympathy with that situation. It's also been interesting watching all the shenanigans with the Aussie cyclists. Sean "butter wouldn't melt in my mouth" Eady protesting his innocence. Those drugs intercepted by Customs were obviously a wrong address, they were obviously meant for the other Sean Eady. And the ones that were posted a year earlier? Well, that other Sean Eady was dyslexic of course. I can't understand why people won't believe him, but maybe they will. I mean everyone knows that George Bush made the world a safer place by invading Iraq.

I did also notice that it's the trackies that seem to like the drugs a lot. And that makes sense, because Bob Puru's on drugs too, you know. I mean I wouldn't like to spread rumours or slander people, but this is Bob Puru we're talking about here. I mean anyone who dresses like a woman to try to beat Sarah Ulmer in the pursuit has to be on something, right? So, what proff do I have, you ask/ Incontrovertible evidence, me lud. Look at him. He must be on something to look like he does. No one could look that mean and ugly without artificial stimulants. I spoke to his sports doctor the other day and he gave me some interesting information as long as I didn't let anyone know. So, let's keep this quiet.

ME: So, what drugs are you giving Bob Puru?

DR FERRARI: I can't tell you that. I am a man of honour and I am bound by a sacred oath to keep patient confidentiality.

ME: Come on, I'll keep it quiet. Pretty please.

DR FERRARI: All right then, since you insist. Mr Puru has been a strange and interesting case we tried all sorts of drugs to improve his performance but they seemed to have different effects on Bob than with my other patients.

ME: You mean Lance and the rest?

DR FERRARI: I can't talk about that.

ME: OK, so what troubled you with Bob?

DR FERRARI: You mean besides his grumpiness?

ME: Yes

DR FERRARI: Well everything we tried seemed to do nothing for his performance on the bike. It just made him whine louder. We tried EPO, human growth hormone, caffeine, equine growth hormone, testosterone, oestrogen, the works. Nothing seemed to have any performance benefit for him. EPO turned him into a car salesman. HGH gave him a big bushy moustache. Caffeine made him whine more frantically. Equine Growth Hormone gave him a long bushy tail (it took us ages to work out a way to stuff that down the back of his cycle shorts). Testosterone made him even grumpier. Oestrogen gave him this prediclection for dressing up in woman's clothing. But after a lot of experimentation we finally sorted out the right formula.

ME: so what was it?

DR FERRARI: Well it turned out that we needed to vary both the drug and the application method. We needed a special type of equine growth hormone called equine assinus growth hormone. This is also known as Donkey Growth Hormone. It is very expensive and hard to get. We also needed a special method of applying it as injestions didn't work with Bob. So we finally working out that by mixing it in a bottle of Coke, shaking vigourously and jamming it up his a*se (with the top off of course) he would go like a rocket!

ME: Any side effects?

DR FERRARI: Not really.

ME: What do you mean, not really?

DR FERRARI: Weeell, he did show a tendency to bray loudly, that tail is still a problem and his ears started growing long and hairy.

So there you go. Don't tell anyone.

Also in the news this week is our friend Claire Bear. Claire Bear turns up when the weather is fine for the Proudlock's and Sunday rides. We haven't seen her on her bike for a while and she told me the other day that she has been selected for the Gallagher Boathouse 8 Women's Team. So she has been training for that. Anyway I heard that Claire went out on the town the other night and ended up getting a police escort home! Hmmmm. These rowers who can't hold their drink.

Claire (left) grunting up the Kay Rd hill. Paul Watene on the right.

I'd also love to tell you what happened in last week's race, but no one bothered to ring me or Alan Messenger to give us the results.

Speaking of the race I must give you the latest news:

Taranaki Trev Throws His Toys Out

Our friend Trevor Foley sent off an email to the committee earlier this week with some 'constructive criticism'. Unfortunately, it went down like Saddam Hussein giving a brown eye to George Bush. Jack was seriously p*ssed and I haven't seen that since Dr Ferrari mistook him for Bob Puru and tried to jam a Coke bottle up his a*se.

Jack after Dr Ferrari mistook him for Bob Puru So Jack gave Trev a serve. I got a copy and gave Trev another serve and Felicity followed. So there was a lot of toy throwing. Email really can have that effect (it's lucky this newsletter is so mild and innocuous so no one gets offended). I'm not sure what the body count is yet. Felicity resigned as secretary, I told him he could do the web site himself and Jack suggested a lot of things that weren't too complimentary. Trevor then got even more upset and resigned as well. So, I think the score is 3 nil. But it's all going to be OK. Simon the Peacemaker is doing the rounds and soothing ruffled feathers. Hopefully, everyone will settle down.

I spoke to Trevor today and I realised what the problem was. As you know Trevor is from Taranaki and this is the key to the issue. You see folk from Taranaki are a bit isolated. That's why they get on so well with their cousins and the local livestock. Because they don't see many people they get all excited when other people come around and they blurt things out without thinking about the consequences. Sometimes us city folk with our sophisticated ways can't hack the abrupt ways of our hillbilly compatriots.

So for the benefit of us city folk I have provided a few translations of Trev speak:

Trev City Folks Translation

F*ck you Hello how are you

F*ck you Your donkey is attractive

F*ck you My cousin is a donkey

F*ck you My cousin is attractive

F*ck you I love my cousin

F*ck you No, I love my cousin

F*ck you I find Blyth attractive

after that it degenerates a bit

Finally, you will be relieved to know that this will be the last newsletter for a while. I'm going to Europe and the US for a few weeks on business so I won't have time to put this together until I get back. So in the meantime have a good time and enjoy your cycling.

Regards

Michael

Newsletter No 16 8/07/04

Have you heard the news??

Well blow me over with a feather, but I've heard a scary rumour that the Lovemeister is back! Yes, Bruce Love has returned from Singapore for a few weeks holiday. So, partners and spouses be warned. Lock your spineless cycling mates away, because he's on the prowl. Only last Sunday he took his protege, Kevin Stuart out on a 125km ride around numerous back roads. This is the infamous long distance cyclist Bruce Love, who likes nothing more than spending ALL day cycling around the roads of the Waikato. This is the Bruce Love who was once found riding round and round the Dey St track by the 9am Sunday group. He'd been there since about 2 or 3am as he had decided to practice for the 1000km Lake Taupo ride by cycling around the track! Fortunately, we can comfort ourselves that Bruce and Kevin don't like human company much, so they tend to ride by themselves. but every now and then they turn up to try to lure hapless cyclists on one of their all day jaunts. I have had the misfortune to have been suckered in by this dastardly duo as have a number of others, including the likes of Harry (Gollum) Donker, Sonnie Witana, Dave Chandler and Garry Gallagher (most of us only make this mistake once or twice, but Garry must be a bit thick, because he's been suckered several times).

I must also report on a case of corruption in the cycling ranks. I know, for those of you who follow the exploits of some of the professional riders, this is no surprise. But this case has arisen in our own club racing ranks. Grange Leaman has been knobbled! Yes, Grange who has been handicapping the Saturday races has been bribed into giving away soft handicapping placings. And who has been the recipient of this soft handicapping, you ask? Well of course it is none other than that softly spoken little she-devil, Amy Mosen. Yes, she may be short and quiet but she managed to get Grange to give her a super soft handicap last Saturday by putting her on limit! Soft, Grange, soft! Amy being the cunning minx that she is took full advantage of her handicap and won the race. I trust the rest of you honest cyclists (well the semi-honest ones,,,,,.OK, those of you who are not totally corrupt) will see to it that Amy is put in her place this Saturday. She is a break rider. Cliff Whittaker and I have ridden with Amy for some weeks on break and she is plenty strong enough (even for a dwarf).

But I must add that I take my hat off to everyone who turned up to race last week. The weather was atrocious, I was glad I was too crook to race. I must especially congratulate those of you who finished (yes, including you Amy).

Isn't this weather great, not! I went out from Proudlocks on Tuesday expecting a cold night, so I togged up accordingly. I didn't expect to be soaked in freezing rain for the final 30 odd kms. I also didn't expect to get a puncture 3km from my house. There few things that compare with changing a tyre in the dark when it is p*ssing down and freezing cold. I wonder if that had anything to do with the cold I am now nursing? Roll on summer.

In case you hadn't noticed the Tour de France has started. I always find the first few days a bit ho hum. Yes, there is the odd crash to liven things up and I do marvel at those lunatics contesting a mass sprint at 60+ km/h, but I always look forward to the hilly sections.

Fashion news. Grange Leaman has decided to remove the veil of hair and show his true beauty by shaving his head. He now joins the ranks of the truly good looking, who have no need to hide their glory beneath a head of hair. Way to go Grange. By the way, Grange and Lance Armstrong have something in common; they both beat Jan Ullrich (and Sonnie Witana).

This newsletter seems to have generated quite a bit of email. Here are a few samples:

Dear Michael

Thanks so much for your honest and truthful protayal of the habits of cyclists. I am so glad that the truth is finally coming out about that terrible Sonnie Witana. Everything you have said has been spot on. Thank goodness we have someone of integrity in the cycling community at last.

Respectfully

J Witana

I wod lik evryone to now that I hav to brain sells

Kev

I don't think people should laugh at Kerry O'Keefe's fondness for goats. I have found him to be very gentle and kind. You know goats are people too!

Nanny G. Oat

I would like everyone to know that I am willing to pay a substantial reward for the capture of Gollum. He needs to be placed back in my pickle jar for his safety and the rest of society.

Dead Dutch Housewife (message received via emailed Ouija board)

I think Blyth Andrews is lovely and I don't think you should be rude about him. It's not his fault he's a trackie, he was dropped on his head as a baby.

T Foley

I don't care what you say, I still think your bike is the bestest.

G Gallagher

I do too

B Puru

Anyway folks have a good week.

Michael